2005-04-05 | CONE-DOG AND REUBEN SANDWICH

Reuben Studdard must've been a real jerk backstage or something when he was on Conan. I hope he was, because if he was cordial, I suggest Conan stop dissing him now before he becomes non-cordial. After his next album bombs, he might go Wayne Brady on O'Brien and kidnap him. Then he'll eat him. With cabbage. "Cone" beef & cabbage. Or maybe he'll put Cone-dog in a Reuben sandwich.
I suggest if he is being chased by Reuben that he run towards the nearest fast food establishment. Preferrably to an area where there are multiple fast food restaurants in the general vicinity. Reuben will have to stop eventually.
I think they should actually challenge each other in a karaoke contest. Conan will have to perform Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'", and since Reuben is obviously a more established singer, he will be forced to sing "Angel of Death" by Slayer. If Conan wins, he can keep making fun of Tubby McFatts. If Reuben wins he gets to keep making shitty records, and he can also join the Max Weinberg Seven, which will become the Max Weinberg Eight, or maybe more appropiately the Max Weinberg Ate. If it is a draw, they will have an eating vs. drinking contest. Reuben will eat and Conan will drink Guiness, because he is Irish, until one of them cannot go on any longer. Halfway through the contest, they will realize it is ridiculous and will start laughing and hug each other, becoming great friends. Reuben will become the sidekick for Late Night with Conan O'Brien, but will be fired shortly thereafter for eating Seth Green. The End.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +