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before the main attraction hits the stage, take a moment to view the set list:

MORRISSEY LIVE AT EARLS COURT 98%
ANTONY AND THE JOHNSONS I'M A BIRD NOW 97%

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE LULLABIES TO PARALYZE 97%

THE FALL 50,000 FALL FANS CAN'T BE WRONG 95%
DINOSAUR JR. BUG 97%
LCD SOUNDSYSTEM 94%
BASTRO SING THE TROUBLED BEAST; DIABLO GUAPO 92%
THE PERCEPTIONISTS 90%
ASH MELTDOWN 91%
BUSDRIVER FEAR OF A BLACK TANGENT 92%

{100%=THE GODFATHER II. 95%-99%=THE GODFATHER. 90%-94%=GOOD FELLAS. 85%-89%=THE SOPRANOS. 80%-84%=CASINO. 79% and lower=THE GODFATHER III. (Don't worry about these until you get those.}

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And now, ladies and gentlemen....the moment you've all been waiting for. Put down your drinks, and put your hands together for.....

2006-07-27 | RHCP album review

Band: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Album: Stadium Arcadium
Label: WB aka the record company that has the same name as the television network that brought you a dancing frog, Beauty and the Geek and the lowest cumulative ratings ever.
Producer: Rick Rubin aka the guy with the giant beard aka the smiling guy with a smaller beard in L.L. Cool J�s �Goin� Back to Cali� video.
Album cover: It looks like a drawing of a grade school science project. If on the Cosby Show, Rudy made a paper mache solar system, it would look similar to this, but not as cheesy. On the back cover, it�s a picture of the band who looks like they�re tripping on acid. Good acting. I wonder what kind of experiences they were drawing from during the photo shoot. The booklet has some pretty cool pictures, I must say. I don�t know why I�m speaking like Martin Short. Behind the booklet, there�s a picture of the band dressed up as football players. They look slightly more talented and athletic than the Detroit Lions did last year. Hey, I�m sure Matt Millen will turn things around this year. He�s a wizard.

Vocals: Anthony Keadis aka the hippie aka one of the butthole surfers from Point Break
Guitar: John Frusciante aka the weird one aka the Keith Richards of RHCP
Bass: Flea aka the crazy one aka the guy who fires Marty McFly in Back the Future II aka the freaky guy from Big Lebowski
Drums: Chad Smith aka the normal one.

Disc One: Jupiter (I�m still waiting for the third album to come out. Uranus. I hear it�s a real kick in the ass.)
�Dani California�
This was the first single on the album. It really grew on me. I didn�t care for it much at first, but now I think it�s a pretty good song. Keadis seems to be trying to impress us by naming as many states as possible. I�ve heard Mississippi, Indiana, Alabama, Louisiana and of course, California. Up until California, I thought he was naming all the states that he hates playing in. The chorus is very familiar. I think it sounds very similar to that one Fleetwood Mac song where they talk about the White-winged dove. I had no idea Anthony Keadis was a priest. He should open up a drive thru chapel in Las Vegas. He just mentioned Minnesota and North Dakota. He also mentioned Dufusville. Someone should tell him that�s not a real state. This is a good song. Not great, but really good. It makes me want to go shoot skeet with Charles Nelson Reilly. John Frusciante performs the first of many memorable guitar solos at the end of this one. He�s a shredder. Someone warn the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Track score: 4/5

�Snow (Hey Oh)�
This song makes me want to burn some incense and meditate. The verses and bridge of this song are very pansy. I�m picturing Peter Paul and Mary. That�s not a good thing to picture when listening to rock n� roll. I do like the chorus, though. I wish the rest of the song was that good and rocked as much. I swear I hear some flute or other girlie instrument being used here. Who invited Zamfir to the party? Did he bring the salsa? This is a highly disappointing album. The first clue that they could�ve probably got away with doing a single album instead of getting all �ambitious� (aka selfish) How could people as talented as RHCP and Rick Rubin allow a song like this to be made. It goes way too long, as well. It�s like they want to keep reminding you how bad it is. 5 minutes and 34 seconds is excessive for crap like this.

Track score: 2.5/5

�Charlie�
This is the funky song and also the song where Anthony tries to rap. �Everybody do the twist�, he instructs during the second verse. No, A.K. I don�t wanna. You do the twist. The last song sounded like you were twisting a knife into my ear. The middle of the song has a righteous guitar solo by Frusciante. This song is so incomplete. No song should be incomplete when you do a double album. Don�t release it if you�re not sure that every song belongs on there. This song is pretty good, but still a slight bit�..not awesome. After putting something out as consistently beautiful as Californication a few years ago, you�ve got to be able to handle the high expectations. So far, it just hasn�t done that for me. And so far, every song has gone on way too long. We don�t need to hear every bridge and chorus 16 times. Just a word of advice. Thank you. This song makes me want to strangle myself with Rick Rubin�s beard.

Track score: 3/5

�Stadium Arcadium�
This is the spacey song. This is also kind of a boring song. Frusciante sort of saves it once again with his superb guitar playing. I really like the background vocals during the second track. I think it�s Frusciante, but I�m not positive. He has a great voice. The song gets better as it goes along. Kind of like sex with an ugly broad. You just close your eyes and let the moment take over. I don�t know what I�m talking about. I just thought I�d try and follow up a line of tom-foolery with a line that sounded like some tight ass record critic, which I wouldn�t mind being, if anybody feels like hiring me to do that. This song reminds me a little of early 80�s am pop rock. I grew up on that stuff, so it doesn�t bother me too much. My leg is falling asleep. I need a desk. Does anybody really use their laptops on their laps? Seems dangerous. And highly uncomfortable.

Track score: 3.5/5

�Hump De Bump�
This is another funky one. This is also one of the worst song titles I�ve ever witnessed. It does have a pretty decent sound to it, though. I feel like dancing. Dance with me, I want to be your partner can�t you see. You can dance, you can dance, oh, having the time of your life. I know those are two different songs. But Dance With Me sounds kind of like Dancing Queen. I think when I was a youngsta, I thought that the Dance With Me song was saying �Dancing Queen� then Abba came along and made things even more confusing. In more ways then one. I was in love with each member of Abba. Even the men. My life was a blur for the next few years, but I remember one of the guys from Abba had a beard for a while and I thought he was evil because the evil people in Superman had beards, accept for the chicks. The chick was a brunette though, so I think I thought brunettes were evil for a while, too. This was proven to me at age 19 when I experienced true, agonizing heartache for the first time at the hands of fellow brunette Tiffany Macourt. Thanks, Tiffany. You rined my life, you whore! Pretty good song, though.

Track score: 3.5/5

�She�s Only 18�
This is a weird song and not just because Keadis is a near-pedophile on it. I think he said something about a girl at a strip club getting something on her �titty�. John Frusciante must have sold his soul to Satan or at least one of his disciples. Maybe he sold it to Jimi Hendrix, because his distorted guitar solos are some of the best since Jimi died in that bungy-jumping accident in 1984.

Track score: 3.5/5

�Slow Cheetah�
Another odd song title. He wants a slow cheetah to come before his forest. Whatever turns you on, freak. The second verse is decent, but am I the only person who has no idea what these songs are about? I mean I�m no freaking genius, Rob Dibble, but I�m no moron either. It just seems like so many of the lyrics on this album are extremely vague. At certain points it sounds like they rushed through the recording process. I don�t know how you rush a double album, but they found a way to achieve the impossible. This one is kind of boring at parts. More nice work by Frusciante. I hate to sound like a broken record, but it�s not as bad as sounding like a broken double record.

Track score: 3/5

�Torture Me�
This is the best intro to any song on the album thus far. Great bass line and then the rest of the band turns it up and Keadis jumps in with his most energetic vocals yet. He also hasn�t sounded this sincere up to this point. Inexplicably, there is a horn solo after the amazing first verse. I don�t know who is playing the trumpet or whatever it is, but I think Flea has been known to play one before. He�s also been known to play the fool sometimes, but everybody does. Aaron Neville told me. Not just in that one song. He came to me in a dream one time and told me, well�he actually sang it to me, but he was like �don�t ever let anyone take your dre-he-he-he-e-e-e-e-ams away�.everybody plays the fool, amigo-oh-oh-oh-oh�. I don�t know why he called me amigo, either, but it was an awesome dream. Especially the part where he gave me a bite of his Crunch Wrap Supreme and then smacked one of his hoes who he brought along for the magic carpet ride.

Track score: 4/5

�Strip My Mind�
I was busy writing the end part of the review when this song was on. Get off my back, dude. On top of that, I was mesmerized because Anthony Keadis was �stripping my mind�. Whatever, weirdo. Not a bad song, though. Except for the cheesy background vocals.

Track score: 3/5

�Especially in Michigan�
What is it with all these states? I thought he was talking about outer space, but every song is a fucking book report for history class. When are you going to take me to Jupiter, bro? If I wanted to learn about Michigan, I�d drive there. Or I�d watch 8 Mile again. That�s probably all I�ll ever need to know about Michigan. By the way, how did Eminem call out Xzibit in front of a bunch of other black people and not get his ass kicked? His inner blackness must�ve been extremely powerful to overcome such a sticky situation. If you�re a white man who can freestyle, or remember the rap that you wrote the night before so well, that it seems like you�re making it up off the top of your head, then you can go to the hood and say whatever you want without any repercussions. Thank you, Mr. Mathers for teaching me a life lesson. Oh, by the way, this is one of the best songs on the album so far.

Track score: 3.75/5

�Warlocks�
Whoa, Earth Wind and Fire has a new album, but their new singer sounds like Anthony Keadis. Oh nevermind, it�s the Red Hot Chili Peppers getting funky again while A.K. vocalizes some ambiguous lyrics. This song is kinda crappy. When this song comes on feel free to go wash the dishes or get the mail or make sure the taped-up guy in your trunk is still there, but if he�s not moving, you�re on your own. I must warn you from personal experience that if you put him in a bodybag, you must make sure to poke some air holes into it, unless you�re truly ready to bury your first body. Don�t go killing someone unless you�re ready to deal with it. You think watching a couple episodes of the Sopranos makes you an expert? Well, it don�t, Isaac. Don�t be stoopit. Remember how hard of a time Michael Imperioli had when he first tried to be a gangster. Instead of just being a Wiseguy he had to go and try to be a smart-ass and Joe Pesci was forced to shoot him. First in the foot and later it was a fatal body shot, and there was no Jell-o involved, in case you were wondering.

Track score: 2.75/5

�C�mon Girl�
The intro sounds kind of tame. Sort of like something Paula Cole would do. That�s a bad thing, by the way. Because it�s not the late 90�s anymore and even when Paula Cole was popular for 45 seconds, it still wasn�t that cool to sound like her. I must admit, though, that when �Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?� comes on while I�m at Safeway, I can�t help but dance in the aisles. And sing along with every lyric. Okay, I touch myself sometimes, but that falls into a whole different category of shame altogether. This is yet another song that could�ve easily missed the final cut. If they had actually held one of those instead of just putting every single song they recorded on the album. I know, I know�they said they recorded like 80 songs and narrowed it down to the final number or whatever, but every band says that. Don�t believe the hype, Flava.

�Wet Sand�
Oh, oh. I think I�m a sucker for this one even though it�s a bit sappy. It�s perfect background music for making out or a good song to listen to while you�re looking for something else to listen to on iTunes. The middle part of the song is my favorite. First Anthony Keadis flawlessly switches the vocals to what sounds almost like another character in a movie and then there is a nice little instrumental part before there is more of the same by Anthony along with some trippy guitar noises made by none other than John Frusciante. This is one of the better songs for sure. It gets really nice at the end. Just on the verge of being epic. Anthony screams a little bit right before Frusciante goes off into Electric Ladyland once more and does an amazing job of it. I really enjoy this song, so it�s hard to make fun of it. Sorry, Derrick. It�s hard to be consistently funny when you�re talking about your first love and music is just that for me. Some would argue that it�s hard for me to be funny at any time, but that�s not very nice of them. Thanks, Mom.

Track score: 4.5/5

�Hey�
This was a good way to end the first disc, because it�s actually a good song and not one of those crappy ones from earlier. Frusciante gets all Steely Dan after the first verse. I want to applaud but I think I�ll give him some Jazz snaps instead. Larry Carlton would be proud. I find it strange that the whole album seems to center around Frusciante�s stellar guitar work. Rick Rubin definitely gets props for that, but at times it�s strange because the familiar sound of Flea�s basslines is almost an afterthought and Chad Smith�s drumming is so mellow that you almost forget it�s there sometimes. But hey, they didn�t make a completely horrible album. Some of the songs surely should�ve been left on the cutting room floor, though. How fitting that Frusciante shines on another beautiful solo right before the end of the first disc. Jupiter was pretty nice. It could�ve been better, but I had a good time overall. I�ll see you in a few days on Mars.

This album is perfect for the following things:
*Getting the funk out without having to listen to Extreme
*Eating a banana
*Burning incense
*Doing the moonwalk
*Sunday mornings
*Hippies
*Fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Fans of Keanu Reeves, or more specifically, the cinematic masterpiece known as Point Break
*Californicating with yourself
*Driving to Jupiter in a monkey green rag top Seville.
*Doing a reverse fakey upside down 860 on a totally tricked out skateboard made out of pumpkin seeds and the hair of Jonathan Brandis
*Invading Canadia
*Watching Emeril Live with the sound off
*Poking air holes in your bodybag
*Playing naked solitaire
*Making out on a space shuttle
*the closing credits to V: the Final Battle
*George Clinton
*Bill Clinton
*Clinton Portis
*For when you�re about to sleep
*Insomniacs
*Dave Attell
*�Feeding the bearded lady a hot dog� aka making love.

Album score: 3.5 out of 5

Favorite part of the album: Skin-flute solo by the ghost of Hillel Slovak with Ethel Merman and background vocals on the hidden track. I thought it was kind of odd that the hidden track was at the very beginning of the album. Usually they save that stuff �til the end. Oops. I forgot to mention that you can only hear it on the cassette version.

Least favorite part of the album: When Anthony Keadis goes �Sippa doppa dippa frabba skeeba shoo.� If you want to know which particular time he did that that bothers me, I�m sorry, but that would take forever to decipher. I also hated the part when Flea jumped around in a circle for 3 minutes. I mean the guy�s gotta be in his 40�s by now. No, I couldn�t actually see him doing this while listening to it on my iTunes, but I know he did this at least 4 times during the recording of disc one alone.

Recommended?: Like I�ve said before, I�m a music snob and I have high standards, so I can�t completely recommend it, but obviously if you�re a fan of RHCP, you already have it and if you like some of their songs, I�d definitely recommend picking it up used some time.

Coming soon: Stadium Arcadium Disc 2: "Mars"����..

- premature ejaculation | tantra +


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GIMME 5:
music - 2006-08-10
music - 2006-08-10
music - 2006-08-10
RHCP album review - 2006-07-27
The sequel - 2006-05-10


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