2004-08-05 | SAY IT RIGHT OR PAY THE PRICE

Please don't apply for a job unless you honestly have a legitimate chance at getting it. Don't listen to those idiots who say things like "go for it! You never know!" You should know. You have no chance. Every second the hirer wastes on your interview, (because we have to interview everyone now days, because we don't want to hurt anybodies feelings) is another second we have to work with that asshole who we're trying to replace.

I have a secret that only a few people in the world know about. The handicap bathroom stall is not just a handicap stall. It is also a fat person stall. The handicap stall is like the presidential suite of public restrooms. The other stalls just don't have enough room. I guess being 6'4" doesn't help either. Maybe it's the tall person stall, too. They need to make a handicap sized airplane seat, so I can steal that one, too.

If a fat person is chasing you on foot, just run towards that main street in your town that has all the fast food restaurants on it. Eventually he'll have to stop for a bite to eat. And the largest soda money can buy. And to catch his breath.

If one of your headlights burns out, change it immediately. Don't be one of those assholes who just switches to high beam mode. One high beam still qualifies for having your high beams on motherfucker. And don't get mad at me when I flash my beams either, biotch.

Why is it every time I see a picture of the band Rilo Kiley they're not smiling? Was being a child actor that bad? Then why did you join a band? Why didn't you just become librarians or something. I used to have a crush on Jenny Lewis when I was a little kid, but the crush is slowly eroding due to her newfound weirdness routine. I didn't have a crush on Blake Stennett, but Salute Your Shorts was super-rad. Cheer up dude.

If you're at work talking to a co-worker and they leave and say they'll be right back, but they take forever, your first thought was "that person was just defacating."

Who in the hell is the target audience for Chickfights? My best guess would be female truck drivers and dudes from Arkansas. Now if some guy in a wife beater gets busted on Cops....er...beating his wife, he can use that as a "cop" out. "I was just emulating the moves I saw on Chickfights, Mr. Officer sir."

- premature ejaculation | tantra +