2004-08-14 | WHO COOKS FOR YOU?

If I had my own cooking show it would be delicious.

I would cook things that people actually eat.

It would be like Emeril when he's not making stupid crap like Foie Gras.

I would invite cool people to come eat my food with me.

It would be like Jamie Oliver without the crappy music in the background.

It would be more realistic. My shows would be like "What to cook when you come home late at night because you've been working your ass off at work, because some asshole called in sick, so you had to work overtime, and now you're too lazy to cook something elaborate."

Or I'd have a show where we didn't have any budget, so we used all the leftover stuff in the fridge, and made something surprisingly dope out of it.

All dishes would be served with soda. No wine.

Fuck wine.

Wine is a farce.

Nobody actually likes it.

You're all lying. You're just trying to be cool or something.

Stop Wine-ing.

Juice would be acceptable. Fruit that's not "aged" (re: gross) is cool with me.

My portions would be humangous. That's more than humongous if you're keeping score at home.

We'd eat food while watching a movie, or crappy television. We'd sit around in our boxer shorts on the floor, because our budget wouldn't allow for actual chairs, or stools, or dining tables....lavish things of that nature. The budget might not even allow for clothes. It would be like the Naked Chef, without all the clothing.

We would eat other things while cooking the main course. Munch on an old bag of chips, or a half a tuna sandwich or something. And I'd use my hands a lot, because I keep forgetting to get fucking tongs. I might use two forks simultaneously to flip something, pretending it's some futuristic cooking utensil.

The food would always be good, and we'd always make too damn much. And I'd get to take all the leftovers home.

I'd have a homeless night, where the whole studio audience will be homeless people, and we'll ask them in advance what they've been craving for the last few years, and we'd make the top 5 or 10 things in the vote, and serve them to all the homeless people.

Then we would kill them.

I'm just kidding.

Although they might not mind that much because who knows when they would eat that good again?

Then we'd have a show with all rich people in the crowd, and we'd make them eat Hamburger Helper, or Spam....stuff that I actually like, but things that they would probably never be caught dead eating.

I'd invite Rachel Ray to co-host one of my shows, then we'd go make out in the corner instead of making food.

What?

I know that has nothing to do with having a cooking show, asshole. This is my vision.

Screw you, Dexter.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +