2004-01-17 | FINDING EMO

Some time between 1995 and 2000, some reformed punk rocker named Morris Wilcox was attending some University somewhere in America. He fell victim to complete boredom sometime during his tenure and decided to create a new society named Emo, which is short for emotional. He was going to call it "Tional", but he thought there were too many words that ended like that, so people wouldn't get it.
Some time after dropping out of college, his book finally got published, and a new subculutre was formed.
Millions of kids read the book, which would be titled Finding Emo, and joined this religion, not unlike Tom Cruise did with Dianetics and Scientology.
Little did Morris know when he started keeping a daily journal, that it would become a book, and the book would become a revolution, which would become an emo-lution, and that he would become the L. Ron Hubbard of this emo-lution.
There are millions of devoted followers. Here are just 17 test-emo-nials from among those millions. We were going to have 18 testimonials, but the number 18 just wasn't emo enough.

TEST-EMO-NIALS:

EVAN HILTON

"I got tired of looking for my contacts, and tired of people not sure about my stance in the emo universe, so shortly after this photo was taken, I got some black framed glasses and a camouflage book bag, and it changed me forever. Finding Emo saved my life!"

CONNER COHEED

"After reading Finding Emo, things began to change rapidly. My hair magically started to grow only in front of my eyes. It made reading the rest of the book hard, but it was well worth it. Soon I broke up with my lady and got rid of all my friends, and was immediately signed to Vagrant Records."

SHON DOUGLAS

"I bought my dad this Cosby sweater for Father's Day, and he hated it. It made me cry like a little girl. But I read Finding Emo, and learned that it was okay to cry. Shortly thereafter, I started wearing this sweater myself, and was invited to an EMORGY. I put on this silly mask and embarked on my journey. When I got there, I was frightened when a crowd of people demanded that I remove the mask. I asked what was wrong, and they said that "we don't need to hide here. If you need to hide in this world, just use your hair or your notebook." So I started keeping a journal and growing my hair out. I'm on my way to truly finding Emo. I think I might cry."

CATHERINE DESTIJL

"I barely even have the strength to wake up most of the time, because my emo misery is just too important to jeopardize. Plus after I read Finding Emo, I became even more lethargic, and more comfortable with my emo lifestyle. Plus all the money I save by wearing my moms old clothes from when she was a kid, and from never leaving the house, has left me with enough extra money to purchase the entire Saddle Creek catalog, and to start my own label, Bed Head Records. Gotta go....it's time for my hourly nap."

JARED MARR

"Being gothic was hard, but not nearly as hard as being emo. After reading Finding Emo, I began the grueling transition from goth to emo. I didn't even have to cut my hair! Or stop smoking cigarettes. But I did have to go out in the sun more, so i could look into the ground in a more public surrounding. And we don't have to pretend we hate everything, but pretending everything is sad helps, and we're encouraged to sing along with only the saddest of songs. Thank you Finding Emo. You changed my life!"

AIRICK EMBRY

"I almost laugh when someone compares me to a Stroke. I mean I like them and all, but they're not nearly emo enough for me. Finding Emo taught me which bands I could like, and more importantly which ones I could worship. And it also taught me how to spell my name in a more emo-like manner, and to only make eye contact with other emo heads, and never under any circumstances, with a camera."

LUCY FORD

"I used to be a model, but the industry was too corrupt for me. Being emo is much doper. I'm tired of people telling me how good looking I am. I will never allow the shallow universe to snap a complete picture of my face ever again. Finding Emo taught me that I can't hide my beauty, but I can hide from the ugliness and non emo-ness of the world. Thanks, kid."

MORRIS WILCOX

"I may have just got out of bed, but my true awakening came when I was in college and one day after tiring of all the so-called fun going on, I invented Emo and started an emo fraternity. We even made our own latte bongs and rolled our own cigarettes! We all became authors and I began writing what would later become Finding Emo. I am semi-overwhelmed by all the semi-positive feedback I have received over the last few years. The reason I say "semi" is because to show complete adoration would just not meet emo standards. I am also proud to be the first ever with an "Emo Boy" screenname on the internet." [email protected]

GRACE GERBICK

"I have been offered many opportunities to be photographed in this position for numerous emo album covers, but I fear it may tarnish my integrity. The worst day of my life was when the media began covering Dashboard Confessional, because I discovered them. But Finding Emo taught me how to find the positives in even the most emo of situations. So I kept all of my Dashboard albums and I still use my Chris Carabba dildo to this day. Will you marry me?"

TIFFANY EVANS

"One time we were going to a Saves The Day concert, and before the show we decided to go to a little cafe outside the venue and eat some pie. After a few bites, we noticed that the band was eating there, too! The lead singer was eating Key Lime, and when he left, I stole his fork. Now I will not take a photo or eat a (vegan) meal without using this fork. Thanks to Finding Emo for teaching me that loving a band too much is not a crime, and neither is having excessively long bangs. Thanks, Morris. You really Saved The Day!!!"

MICAH OWENS

"Yes I do always look this surprised when having my picture taken, because as an emo human being, I reserve the right to not be bothered by things like cameras, and showering....stuff of that nature. That is also why I don't have a job. Finding Emo taught me that working is optional. Eventually I moved in with the author, who has retired as an author, and who now works at Hot Dog on a Stick. We share a no bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. We challenge any of you out there to out-emo us. If you feel like it. I guess."

KYLE ERIKSON

"It's hard wearing this much clothes in 150 degree weather, but Phoenix needs an emo community just as much as the next city, if not more. I also live in Hollywood part time because Finding Emo said it was okay. Why else would I do it? Or anything else? Finding Emo is about life, and my life as an emo-loving stand-in for Jason Schwartzman is going just fine."

AAARON ALBERT

"I find that looking up all the time, and away from people and cameras, and spelling my name with 3 A's, makes me a more reputable spokesman for Emo-ville. It also helps me relate to my friends more, even though since I'm looking up in the air all the time, I can't really see them. I can tell they like me because they sigh alot, and they mess up my hair when it looks too nice. They also burn cd's for me of all the most obscure emo songs known to man or emokind. With friends like these and books like this, who needs EMO-nies?"

HUNTER MATTHEWS

"I don't wear this flannel shirt just to blend in with brick walls, but also because Finding Emo said that it was now acceptable emo attire, since the last great musical revolution, grunge, is now dead. Morris said that a flannel shirt is 'like the emo throwback jersey', which makes flannel very cool, and me extremely emo."

MARJORIE MCDYESS

"Ashton Kutcher is not emo, but he's dreamy, and trucker hats are sometimes ugly, which is emo. And I ordered these glasses from the catalog in the back pages of Finding Emo, so I must be good to go. I've been working on my frowning, and my scoffing at people who dress nicely or keep day jobs. I'm getting pretty good at it thanks to the tips I learned from Morris and his amazing book."

CALEB CAMBRIA

"No I am not Chris Carabba, but I do attempt to portray him for my personal survival. My hobbies are wearing punk band t-shirts, listening to sad songs, singing along as loud as I can at emo concerts and looking to the camera for sympathy. 'Will you love me camera?' As much as I want to find love and happiness someday, I will miss the sadness more than I can say/sing/yell. Therefore, I hope I find a girl who loves/loathes being emo as much as I do."

KIM ELLIOTT

"This picture was snapped by my mom. She was asking me some stupid question like "have you thought about where you're going for college?" or something. I just got through telling her last week that with the advice of Morris and Finding Emo, I am starting my own female emo band which is now known as a FEM-O band. I love my parents because the book says it's still okay to, but it's also okay to rebel, so I will do some of that, too. But I will stay in contact with my folks through it all. Thank you, Finding E...shit...I gotta go. My mom needs me to take her to work. Okay...okay...she's taking me to work. Shut up. I'm still emo, baby!

- premature ejaculation | tantra +