2003-03-15 | (SIC) OF IT ALL

I just got a notice in the mail the other day to report to jury duty. In Hawaii.

I live in Arizona.

The other night I went to Circle K to buy a gallon of Arrowhead water, and a Thirst Buster Coke. After I paid for my stuff and told the lady to have a good night, she said rather seriously "Stay out of trouble". She had asked me earlier if my Thirst Buster was a new one or a refill. I think when I answered "it's a new one" that pretty much established that I was going to be keeping out of trouble that night. I didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult. I'm not the type of guy that people say "stay out of trouble" to. Usually when someone says that they do it in a stupid joking manner. Kind of like the "don't do anything I wouldn't do" thing. But this lady seemed to be instructing me, as an officer of the high court of.....Circle K.

I don't need a penis enlargement or Viagra, so please stop asking me if I do. If I needed Viagra, and I got it, I wouldn't need the penis enlargement anymore. But as it stands (no pun intended) I don't need it. So stop e-mailing me, "[email protected]".

I didn't think Barbara Eden was anything special when she was on I Dream of Jeannie. But now that she's 60 something, I think she's hot. If you think I'm a sicko, first: watch the TV Land Awards, then second: shut the fuck up. After doing the first one, the second one should come automatically.

It's pretty sad that besides Bill Cosby, the most successful person that appeared on Cosby Show regularly was probably Allen Payne. And he wasn't even good, or important, for that matter, when he was on the show.

The worst Cosby Show's were the ones when Claire's teenage cousin came to live with them. That's also when Allen Payne was on as one of her stereotypical wacky black teenage friends. Sideway baseball hats and all. Those shows were even worse then the new Cosby show that was on CBS for a few years.

My favorite characters on that show were Kenny, a.k.a. "Bud", and that quiet little chubby white kid who would always run out of the house frightened. Olivia was also great, although Raven, who has now dropped her Symone, is one of the worst things to happen to our country ever, thanks to her current persona/ego/attitude and with a little help from her new show on the Disney Channel.

I don't care what the actor with the fourth most lines on 7th Heaven has to say about the war.

I don't care what my favorite actor has to say about peace.

What I do care about is if any actor likes the same stuff as me. That's why I like Patton Oswalt. He loves crap, too.

Don't tell me your thoughts on the war, Jaleel White.

Do tell me your thoughts on cheese, Schneider from One Day at a Time.

Don't tell me your opinions on the state of our union, Kevin Costner.

Do tell me what your favorite Conan skits of all time are, Scott Baio.

This made my day yesterday:

I saw an episode of Win Lose or Draw with Burt Reynolds and Pat Morita on location in Hawaii. Two of the best mustaches in the biz. I know beauty when I see it. Loni Anderson's breasts also appeared on the show.

I'm a very simple man.

The other day I was training to be a room service server. Before I was just doing cashier stuff. I took a beating. It was embarrasing. I'm in dire need of getting into shape again. My feet were battered and blistered, like Dee Snider's first day at a real job, after the demise of Twisted Sister. My ass took a beating like Seigfried and Roy (a.k.a. Lorenzo Lamas) have never seen. I felt more pain in my neck and back, then a medic carrying Marlon Brando after a heart attack. Anyway, I was seriously hurt. It's been two days and my legs and feet are still in pain. That's no laughing matter. Actually it probably is to somebody. Any situation can be amusing to someone I suppose.

Wanda Sykes is the unfunniest comedian of all time.

I apologize to all the other comedians who have ever lived for referring to her as a comedian.

I don't hate Wanda Sykes. I'm proud of her for acheiving the impossible.

I do hate the idiots who keep encouraging her and telling her that she's actually funny.

I wanna be sedated.

I wanna be out dated.

I wanna be expiration dated.

I wanna be premeditated.

I wanna be serenaded.

I wanna be celebrated.

I wanna be charaded.

I wanna be salivated. (sic)

I wanna be salvationed. (sic)

I wanna be serated.

I wanna be berated.

I wanna be self-hated. (sic)

I wanna be a David.

I wanna be related.

I wanna be fellated.

I wanna be inflated.

I wanna be deflated.

I wanna be perforated.

I wanna be paraded.

Look at me. I'm cool. I used (sic) in my diary entry.

Ba ba ba ba, buh ba ba ba ba, I wanna be

- premature ejaculation | tantra +