2003-03-11 | CRIMES AGAINST MOTHER NATURE

Does frosty the snowman's mother tell him to put a coat on before he goes outside, so he doesn't freeze to death?

Scarecrows dress suspiciously similar to gay cowboys.

I don't know if the Easter Bunny is real or not, but I can tell you that he's real tasty!

If E.T. stays in the bathtub too long, his skin straightens out and becomes silky smooth.

Top 5 Groups which are wrongfully stereotyped on a regular basis:

5. Chinamen/Orientals

4. Wetbacks

3. Fatties

2. Brown dudes

1. Martians

I cheated a few times in high school, but I was more of a non-doer then anything.

I never slept in class too much, but I was never really awake either.

I wish I was more inspired when I was in school. Not so I could've done better in class, but so I could've started my writing career early, by writing pieces that had nothing to do with school.

We had a class where our teacher would let us listen to our Walkman's. (I would've said Walkmen, but it's a product, not a person) How was this guy not fired? How was I so lucky?

I lived 3 houses away from my high school, and I was late about half the time.

There were certain classes that I passed, and I don't even remember doing anything. I seriously did nothing.

I could've applied myself more. I could've taken some better classes. I could've had good grades. I could've done more drugs. I could've gone on more dates. I could've been somebody. But I was too busy not caring. Too busy doing nothing. Too busy staring into space.

I spent 3/4 of my school years daydreaming.

Those were the best years of my life.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to school all over again, and I say it's because I wish I could've done better. But it's probably because I want to fuck around all over again.

Whenever I meet somebody who knows way too much about Greek mythology, I think to myself, "this guy is full of shit." Then I laugh at the irony. Then I laugh at them again.

Purple diarrhea space needle surgeons mask. Caterpillar cologne poured all over my tentacle patty wagon.

How come people who are killed in sex-related crimes are called "special victims"? How do you think the other murdered people feel?

There may be no victimless crimes, but there are many crimeless victims.

If somebody were to fuck the ground, they could be called a MOTHER fucker, and they would also be commiting a crime against NATURE. Rape, I guess. And he, as well as his penis would be lower then dirt.

Sometimes I sit in my car pretending to do stuff, just to avoid my neighbors, and to wait for them to go upstairs, so I don't have to do something awful, like talk to them.

Sometimes I try to say "How's it going?" and "How ya' doing" at the same time.

"How's ya gooing?"

- premature ejaculation | tantra +