2002-11-10 | THE STORY (continued)

Do I call it depression?

I don't know.

I don't feel educated enough about the subject, or even smart enough in general to be able to speculate on this matter.

All I know is it comes and goes.

Right now it seems to be under control, but later tonight, I could be lying in the dark with a blanket over my head, wondering when exactly I will fall apart for good.

Whatever it is, depression, the great unknown, indecision, I am currently in the state of it, and I plan on staying here until some light shines through on the situation, and gives me some sort of indication of where I'm supposed to go from here.

Ha! I say that as if I have some say on the matter. It feels like I don't have control over it, but I don't know who does, so maybe I do have something to do with it.

Maybe I invented the whole thing in my head so I could create an epic struggle that will someday be worthy enough of being displayed on the big screen, making me an accidental genius in some eyes, an idiot savant and others, and will make the people who think they "really" know me laugh their asses off.

I somehow manage to read the latest issue of SPIN through all these empty thoughts.

It's these simple pleasures in life that keep me going when she's not around.

Don't worry--we'll get into who "she" is soon enough.

For now, I'm stuck with these simplicities, and I try my best to embrace them, for they are my new best friends.

I take a walk on Sunday afternoons, I buy some Mexican fast food, and I sit in the "restaurant" and marinate in my freedom until my butt gets numb on the semi-comfortable plasti-metal seats of their luxurious booths.

I am thankful for the little things, like the fact that the place is usually empty except for me.

No one is there to ask me what's happening in my life. They ask me how long I will be here, and I don't really know, but I'm pressed for an answer, so I just reply "probably just a few weeks". It's as if they WANT me to jinx everything. But when I say "I don't know" they just give me one of those dumb looks, so I'd rather answer falsely then have to see their stupid faces again.

Phone calls are no better.

"....Sorry mom...I have no fucking clue whatsoever, but I'll be sure to keep you further posted on more of what I know nothing about, as soon as I DON'T know more....."

(to be continued)

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