2001-07-24 | WHISKEY*CHASER

was just thinkin' 'bout the ol' man a short time ago, while i was emptyin' the dishwasher, and came across one of the ol' coffee cups he used to use alot. started singin' 'bout the stuff i miss about 'em. started off with a line that i'll start this entry with, and i'll add to it as it comes to my head i guess. a little improv for y'all out there, about my dad. we miss 'em 'round here alot. i think this may be like a rockabilly type song, or a Johnny Cash or steve Earle type country song. or maybe one of Springsteens country influenced songs. like the stuff off Nebraska.

"Daddy used whiskey as a chaser"

swear i smell your cologne everytime i see that old coffee cup....everytime i see a golf club, or a fishing pole a chill goes up my spine. when i hear someone talking about their fishing trip, or a call from their dad...can't help thinking about the good times we had. we didn't do alot of the traditional father-son type things...but we did have some great talks about sports and stuff like that. if something was bothering me, i probably could've and should've told him, but probably never did that quite enough. i loved calling him and talking to him about baseball and golf...and if i had any love to speak of. i wish he was here so i could tell him about Steph. he would be so proud, and i would tell him over and over again, and he'd cheer me out loud. i miss hearing about his glory days, and looking through his yearbooks. and sitting on his lap, before i got too big for that sort of thing. i miss crying about something he said to me that made me upset, and having him apologize and tell me he loved me, and that's why he was hurt. although we didn't do alot of father-son stuff, he never acted too busy or too tough. there are times i think i'll call him and tell him the latest news, i seriously forget....then i realize and i feel so alone. our relationship was better when i was miles away, but now that he's not here, i wish i would've cherished more each day. i wish i wasn't so lazy, and i wish he wasn't so old...if i had known him a few years younger, i could've played football with him in the blistering cold. or sit on his lap and pretend to drive, when he was really in control. sometimes i have these vivid dreams of him, i guess that's just a sign from his soul. he must haunt my mother every night, and visit her in her dreams. tell her to get a good nights sleep, because things aint as bad as they seem. i wish i could get through to her, she probably thinks the same about me. maybe we both could listen more, but eye to eye it's hard to see. we are worlds apart, although we're in the same state of mind. alot of the time we're so alike, i feel aligned, but still so far behind. i need to leave her alone someday, although right now she could use my help at times. i wish she'd understand how in love i am, and that i have deep thoughts sometimes. i wish i knew what made her tick, because i'd try to slow it down. sometimes she goes off like a bomb, and you can't even hear a sound. the silence can be threatening, you feel dead eyes on you. but you have to realize when it comes to your parents, they will always be beyond you. i love her so much, but i won't appreciate it til i'm far away. i think about how much i'd miss her, when i think about dad each day. this aint no sad song, it's just a thought that got written down. it started with a memory of him, drinking some coffee and some whiskey down.

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