2004-04-04 | TEN

Goddamn Kurt. It's been ten long years. Ten short years. Ten years. It's not any easier to think of you. Or to listen to you sing. Or to look at your photos. Do you know how long it's been? Do you feel anymore? Was the lake of fire what you expected, or did you say hello to heaven like those other brothers from the Northwest?

I could have a one man vigil in my living room with the lights off and the stereo on, but I don't feel like it. I think of you almost every day as it is, so it's not like I have to do something special today. I just can't believe it's been so long. Sometimes I forget your dead. Because everything else about you is still alive to me. I still have your music. I'll never tire of looking at pictures of you or reading about you.

I can't explain it to people who don't relate. How can I feel this way about someone I've never even met? I don't know, I just do. Believe it. I can't help it. I didn't plan it. Something happened to me the first time I listened to Nevermind. I was transformed. I don't even know if I knew what I was before I got into punk rock, but once I was immersed in it I had a lot better idea.

I listened to top 40 radio. I don't even remember if I loved it or even liked it a whole lot. I just didn't know any better. It can't be a coincidence that I didn't own any albums back then and now I own hundreds if not thousands, and have bought and sold god knows how many. But back then the only cassettes I had were Thriller from Michael Jackson, an Eagles one and a Kenny Rogers one from when I was a kid, and a couple rap tapes. Too $hort and M.C. Hammer, I believe. I started getting into rap a lot more, and top 40 a lot less, and I started getting into reggae as well. But as soon as Alika let me borrow his Descendents, Minor Threat, Green Day and Dinosaur Jr. cds in the summer of '92, I could feel my skin from the first 16 years of my life start to permanently shed.

And when Duffy let me borrow his copy of Nevermind, the music exposed parts of me that I didn't even know existed. And it started me on a 12 years and counting non-stop cd shopping spree.

So I could listen to my Nirvana albums. Or I could listen to Ten by Pearl Jam and pretend it was a soundtrack to the tenth anniversary of Kurt's death. I could listen to Decade of Decadence by Motley Crue and pretend it's an acknowledgment of the sad state of rock radio in the last ten years and the lame subject matter contained in the majority of songs played on the radio since the death of Nirvana and many other great bands who suffered when they couldn't peak the interest of people as much as all the radio programmers wanted them to.

Or I could shoot myself in hopes of the slight chance that I might finally meet one of my heroes.

But I'm so fucking happy. I haven't found my friends. Just one. The love of my life. And it makes me so happy. It's amazing. I could've easily went the other way. That's right, I listen to sad music sometimes, and I feel sad sometimes, but I don't feel like killing myself. I don't think my life sucks. The only thing that sucks is the way people treat me sometimes, and the decisions I often make. But I don't let it bring me down.

And I won't let these ten years bring me down.

I'll continue to celebrate the good shit. I'll celebrate your music forever, Kurt. And I'll always relate to your sadness, even when I'm happy. Becuase i've been there. And I'll try and make the decisions you may now wish you had made. And I'll try and take the positive from situations more than you were able to. But I won't blame you for dying, because I don't know exactly how you were feeling. I wasn't there. I wasn't inside you. I didn't even know you, no matter how much I want to believe I did.

But I want to thank you from turning me into a top 40 listening nobody, to something original. I feel special because music made by people like you. And I feel special for not always being an extrovert, and for not trying to prove myself for the wrong reasons, and for not being macho, and for being sensitive. And someday I hope to thank you for making me into a rock star, because you have influenced me more than you will ever know. In fact, you many never know any of this. You may never read this, or hear me, or see me. But I will try and handle it better. I am confident I will. I don't want to be better than you. I just want to live longer, and be happier.

I'd also like to apologize to you for being so happy, because I wish I could've let you borrow some of my happiness, or tell you something that you may not have heard from anybody else, but I never got the chance, and apparently the millions of others who wanted to do the same thing didn't get a chance either, and I'm sure they, as much as I, am very sorry for that. There's a million reasons why it would be great for you to be alive, but maybe it wasn't as strong as your will to die, so who are we to say "fuck you for dying, Kurt"? It sucks, but what can we do? It's over. We can only hope that you have no pain anymore, and hope that even if you are happier now that you feel at least a little sorry for giving us, and more importantly your family so much pain.

I'm willing to forgive you, because you've given me so much more.

I love you.

I miss you.

I'll never forget you.

Peace.

--Jon

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