2004-01-21 | ARTHUR FONZARELLI

I don't know what's cool anymore. Maybe I never did.

I know what's cool to me, because I think realistically.

That kinda rhymed.

What makes guys try to act cool? What makes them assholes. What makes them want to be assholes? What makes them hang out at a Jack in the Box on a Friday night with their stereo blasting? What makes them do that on a Tuesday night? What makes them wear wife-beaters? What makes them wear beanies when it's 100 degrees? What makes them take their shirt off when it's 20 degrees?

What makes me care?

Sometimes I wear beanies, too. Never because it's cold outside. I just like the way they look, even if it looks stupid on me. But then I'll make fun of someone else for wearing one. But usually it's because I find 20 other things wrong with their picture. Like the dude has perfectly chiseled his facial hair to look like a boy band member. Or he's a dorky white guy with dreads. Or cornrows. Or he's wearing a FUBU body suit. And a huge platinum necklace. And he's listening to the lamest rap known to mankind. Like booty rap. Not the good shit. And he's calling his friends "nigga". And you know that he's just not the type of guy who has any black friends. Because he just tries way too hard. Because he's not genuine. What makes him act this way?

What makes me care?

What makes people drink their lives away night after night...risking death by driving while wasted. A bunch of empty souls meeting other empty souls and having empty sex, and driving full cars of empty souls, risking all their empty lives. But I eat really fattening food all the time. What makes me do that? Am I not killing myself slowly? At least I'm not bringing anyone down with me. And I'm keeping the pork farmers alive almost singlehandedly.

What's the deal with Ashton Kutcher? Is he nice. Is he innocent? Is he annoying? What do he and Demi talk about? Why do I care?

You know how he's saying Punk'd is over? That's the perfect thing for the star of Punk'd to say. "That's right everybody, it's over. No more punking." Next thing you know, you're talking to the cops at the petting zoo about an alleged sheep fucking incident.

Can't Ryan Adams make good music without being such a massive tool?

I guess I care because I know that I would not be that way if I was famous. At least I hope I won't be. You never know until you're famous, I guess. Even Jack Black is starting to get a little weird. He was nicer to Craig Kilborn then he was to Conan. Those little things offend me. I think that's a crime. And he left after his segment. Shit, even Jim Carrey stuck around after his segment one time. You think you're so busy that you can't kill a half hour with my beloved Conan?

And as far as the non-famous idiots go, I am not like them, and I guess that's why I'm not that popular with them. But I don't want to be popular with them. I want to be popular with people who care. Nice people. Passionate people. Happy people. Hopeful people.

I read an article in SPIN about "Emo Rap". Good lord. What the fuck is that?

I grew up on the same shit. I know more about hip-hop than most black people. But I don't walk around trying to prove it. I like to surprise people. The element of surprise can be very potent. I dress in whatever feels comfortable. Sometimes I wear band t-shirts, but that's as far as I go. I also try not to offend people. I care more about that type of thing. Like I won't wear something if I think it's inappropriate, but I won't wear something purposely to get a reaction, or to show how cool or uncool I'm trying to be. And what the fuck is Emo Rap???? More bullshit labels. And one of the rappers says something like "I basically was a white kid who grew up basically not thinking as a white kid." What? How does a white kid think? Why couldn't you just be a kid? Like me. I was just a kid who happened to like rap. I liked black people. I thought they were cool. I occasionally wished I was one. But I was always myself. I never felt too uncomfortable being me. My weight is the only thing I've been occasionally uncomfortable with. But I'm still me. I don't think fat. I don't think black. I don't think cool. I don't think white. I don't feel like anything except myself. Sometimes I try not to think. It's more interesting to just react to things when they happen, instead of planning ahead. The element of surprise.

The love seats are too close on the Today show. It looks like Katie Couric is playing footsies with Carrie Fisher.

Princess Leia is bi-polar.

Han Solo hung up on me.

It's all connected baby.

No, I don't want to make it somewhere just being random. I just feel like being random now. I'm not going to make a career out of it. I will make a career out of being creative artistically. I really hope I will be. Because I don't want to live among those other people anymore. Everybodies negativity rubs off on me and makes me hate my job. Then I try to be positive, and a customer ruins it. Shit happens. Life is a t-shirt. Or something.

Donald Trump is frowning. Maybe money can't buy you happiness.

Fuck it. I'll give it a try anyway.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +