2003-10-23 | ''God don't make no junk but it's plain to see/ He still made me/He told me so/ I'm good to go/ I'm ready to go.''

Why Elliott Why? And why was I not notified of this earlier? I found out that the incredible Elliott Smith did on Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Why didn't Dave tell me? Maybe Dave doesn't know. Why doesn't everyone know.

I was thinking that the world doesn't care because they don't know. For me and Dave it's almost at the level of a John Lennon type loss. Not quite as significant, but way up there. We have most of his albums. Dave may have all of them.

If Dave and I were running the airwaves, the whole day we'd be playing Elliott. Nowhere near Cobain, but still in the top 5-10 in senseless way too early deaths of our musical heroes. Someday I may have to make a ranking for this. I hope I don't have to.

Apparently another one of my heroes has commited suicide. By stabbing himself in the chest? Ouch. I hope he didn't suffer much pain, or for too long.

I was sitting at work pondering the reasons for a person in his situation doing what he apparently did. One of the things I came up with is that it must be tough to be successful but to still be searching for happiness all the time. That is one of my biggest fears. That when I am finally doing something I want to do, and making lots of money doing it, that I will still not be happy enough. Don't think I would ever kill myself, but I do find myself asking what I'm here for from time to time. But I find too much excitement in the simple pleasures in life to ever want to end everything. Even if it takes years to get rid of the pain, the good parts make it worth it.

Like watching Jeremy Piven wearing a Fishbone T-shirt on the Sharon Osbourne show.

Or using my heroes music as an influence and inspiration, but outliving them all, and showing that it's okay to be sad, but it's so much more interesting to try and find the beautiful things, and stick around long enough to find out what kind of rewards you get from them.

But all that doesn't matter right now. I'm just sad that he felt like he had to go away. Rest in peace Mr. Misery. Love, Jon.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +