2003-06-17 | A SALT WITH A DEADLY PEPA

I don't hate companies based on how corporate they are. I usually hate the ones that have the worst commercials.

Honesty can be a dangerous policy.

It's good for the most part, though.

I had to fill up a bunch of salt and pepper shakers the other day. It wasn't pretty. I know it's good luck to throw salt over your shoulder, but what about spilling it all over your clothes? I've always wanted Spinderella to be all over me, but I had to settle for Salt N Pepa.

Tomorrow never dies, because it's never alive. Tomorrow doesn't matter until it becomes today. Unless you start working today and finish tomorrow. I will stop trying to be profound todaytomorrownever.

It's funny to me that most people who are obvious are also oblivious.

I've heard that when flies land on food they poop or throw up on it. I guess when they land on cow dung they eat it. The circle of life, you know?

A manager at work was saying that Martin Short stayed there one time. Apparently it wasn't a very long stay.

Tee hee.

If you actually encounter a person from Japan and you say the obvious common words like "Adios", "Sayonara", "Konichiwa", etc., they think to themselves "this guy is a humongous peice of hardware", but when Eddie Vedder does it to a crowd of screaming natives in Tokyo, they think it's cool, and even say "Woo-hoo!!!"

Even Eddie seems to get a kick out of it.

Poor guy.

(I'm a fan of Pearl Jam so don't write me hate mail you dumbfuck. Unless you want to write me hate mail about my love for the band.)

Craving is far more dangerous than hunger. Carbohydrate punks fuck off!

There was an oxy moronic guest staying at our hotel last week. His name was ADOLF CHAVEZ.

It has inspired me to start a band called CESAR HITLER.

I've been to the future. 2048 to be exact. It's exactly the same as 2003, but get this....mullets are the most respected hairdo, all dishwashers are snobby white guys in suits, death metal rules the top 40 station, and television......is good.

Oh yeah, and MTV plays videos again.

Two of the most annoying phrases of all time are "I don't know" or "yeah, but..."

Before I had a girlfriend, I used to dream about girls all the time. Romantic dreams, sexual dreams, silly dreams.

Now I have multi-girl dreams. Goddamnit. Even males brains are pigs. One girl isn't enough for my fantasy world. And we wonder why we piss them off so much. In one of the dreams I was with two girls, one of them being Stephanie, and they both figured out I was seeing both of them, so they both started kicking my ass. Sometimes dreams can paralell real life. That would've been a premonition if I was dumb enough to ever date two women at once. Mad props to the dream warriors inside my head for the outstanding skit they put together. Marijuana doesn't kill brain cells. It smothers the actors that portray your dreams. That's why I don't use the stuff any more. I enjoy having twig and berries.

I dreamt Stephanie was pregnant today. I hope I don't have premonitions because neither of us really want kids.

Ever.

I don't have food ordering anxiety anymore. I'm over it. Next challenge: Haircut anxiety.

It's really frustrating when 9 out of 10 stores you go to stop selling pants/shorts at the size RIGHT BELOW YOURS.

For the price of one cup of coffee a day, you could help a starving child be dependent on Caffeine.

I have the worst sleeping patterns. I sleep whenever I'm tired only if I have to work the next day. On my days off I just sleep whenever I'm lazy, so I sleep a lot. Usually it involves a combination of good food, a baseball game and the air conditioner.

Or maybe it's my Nyquil addiction.

Black people have the best swear words. Motherfucker is just perfect. It works in as many or more ways than "Dude".

White people have bullshit like "Jiminy Christmas" or "Crymany".

Mother Fucker!

Simple but good name for a band: the Stereotypes.

In real life we have to be politically correct, but to be a good comedian it helps to stereotype groups of people, and to be racist and self-hating. That's right folks! Kracker McKenzie this weekend at the KKKomedy KKKorner. Laugh it up whitey!

People think I'm being racist when I do jokes about different ethnical groups. Can somebody who is Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Hawaiian, American Indian, English, Dutch, French, etc. really be that racist?

I used to think that I was racist because I would feel uncomfortable when I was around black people, but then I realized that I'm uncomfortable around pretty much everybody.

My favorite sterotype of all time would have to be:.............CD player?

I wonder if scientists have ever tried a formula for glue using semen and/or snot.

I would never return a product that cost me less than 10 bucks. You can spit at me for "throwing away money", but at least the trailor park princess who works at the returns desk at K-Mart doesn't think I have no class.

i'm always thirsty.

people probably assume that because i'm fat that i'm always hungry.

not true.

i just like eating food because i have good taste in food, and know what good food tastes like, and i have a bad habit of just eating because it tastes so fucking good, long after i've been full.

I'm getting better slowly though.

But I'm always thirsty. I drink so much water. I love Arrowhead mountain spring water. The gallon size tastes better than the other ones for some reason. I probably drink almost a gallon of water every day, if you count all the little bottles I drink while i'm at work. I'm a big soda drinker, but i don't love it as much as I used to. If I had a fountain machine in my house though, i'd be dead, because soda from the tap is just so beautiful. Cans and bottles are starting to lose my interest. And I love juice. In Hawaii we have this great stuff called Hawaiian Sun. I love almost any flavor of that and almost any kind of Guava juice. Someday guava juice will catch on in the continent, and so will hawaiian food, and all of you will be fat bastards like me. But by then I'll be a lot skinnier.

That's the beautiful thing about being fat when you're in your 20's. It's easy to lose weight when you're at your fattest. It can't get any worse. But all you artificial pretty waifs out there can only go downhill.

Have fun, spanky!

The dickweed i was supposed to go the the wArped tour with has apparently changed his mind all of a sudden. Before he seemed genuinely excited. Now he claims to not really like any of the other bands that are going to be there besides the mighty Atmosphere. Well fuck him. He should've told me from the beginning that he didn't wanna go. I know why he didn't. I have the feeling it's me he doesn't want to see, and not the bands. I could really give a shit. I don't want to waste my time hanging out with people who don't think i'm "cool" enough. So go hang out with your Evanescence loving generic humanoids.

There's starving people in India. There's also starving people outside Indian casino's. With broken legs.

Speaking of people starving, folks who make art and other stuff out of food must think poverty rules!

If the future is now, than I better start planning for it.

People think I don't share things about myself becaus i'm embarassed but mostly it's because I think that they're interests are embarassing, and I don't think they deserve to have a taste of the sweeter side of things.

I know, i'm an asshole.

At least I'm courteous to them when they're right in front of me.

I'm actually really nice to most people, but some just seriously shouldn't even have the write to breathe, let alone speak.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +