2003-04-05 | PHONE VEX

I don't see the excitement of finding various garments of womens clothing, or long blonde hairs scattered throughout my apartment, losing its allure anytime soon.

A few times a week I forget how old I am. Most people would be embarassed at discovering this when acting silly. Like when doing a Chris Farley impersonation, or putting on a crazy wig, or something like that. But the people who can't find the humor in something like that, or think that someone my age shouldn't be doing stuff like that, are the ones who should really be embarassed. People who take life and especially work too seriously need to die a slow, painful death. Life is so much easier when you take the time to have fun, and you keep it loose, and don't let anything negative be absorbed by your body, and if you do you get it extracted before you go home for the day. The main thing that makes life less enjoyable for me, are people who don't live that way. They bring me down like nothing else. These people should be ashamed of themselves. And I suspect a lot of them already are, and for this reason they cannot let themselves go. They're vain. Always worried about how people will react to their words or actions. They don't realize that nobody gives a shit. The only people that notice things like that, are other diseased ones, with no sense of what life is really about. The infected. The afflicted. The defective.

In the past few years, I've had a thing about eating in front of other people. It's no problem if I go to a restaurant or something. But when I'm at home, I don't like to eat in front of family, friends, roommates, girlfriends as much as I used to. Now I'm paranoid. I guess I'm somewhat embarrased at my diet of the last few years. Huge multi-pound mountains of food day after day. I also consider eating time to be sacred sometimes. Certain foods need to be enjoyed while alone. Certain foods are perfect for the start of a baseball game. Or a movie. No food, however goes along with the beginning, or any other part, for that matter, of a porno. Mixing food and porno is not only taboo in my book, but could be just plain messy/complicated. So yeah, sometimes I wait for people to go to sleep before I eat, or I eat before they come over, or while they're at work. Or I don't eat at all sometimes. It's nothing personal towards them. It's just one of my weird quirks.

I never got the big deal about the troubles of wearing seatbelts. I can't believe how many people still refuse to wear them. It's like those NASCAR drivers who don't want to use the protective devices because they're too uncomfortable. Last time I checked, having your head go through the windshield, or having your neck do a 360, exorcist style, is pretty fucking uncomfortable, too. Do you leave your shoes untied because it's too far of a reach to tie them? Put on your fucking seatbelt, you egotistical piece of shit. Do you not brush your teeth because it's not fun, or because you don't like the taste of toothpaste? Stop crying. And if you're not an excellent skateboarder, for gods sakes, put on some pads and a helmet, you dumbfuck. And if you don't know how to drive, then walk, or take the bus. And if you ever have to get half of your body amputated because you tried to inject your penis with cocaine to get more stamina, then kill yourself.

I know pretty much every member from NSYNC's name, and about half of the Backstreet Boys. I also remember every word from songs by Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, and other awful acts, and I'm not ashamed. I'm actually kind of proud to know that kind of stuff, too. It gives me a wider spectrum of things to talk about and make fun of. And it's fun to sing along with songs that suck. That's what's cool about classic rock radio. Even the third of the songs they play that are absolute crap are fun to sing with. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back to your ivory tower, and then jump out of the window, you miserable ass munch.

Black people are so cool, that they could even make the "white man overbite" look dope.

They should bring back segregation. FOR CLOTHING. But only for certain types. Like FUBU should only be for black people. And wife beaters should only be for the white trash community. Gear-mixing is ruining the "fabric" of our country. Tee hee.

I always liked Penthouse/Playboy for the pictures AND the articles.

Don't you love it when people get louder on their cellphones when they see people approaching, as if to say "listen to the important stuff I'm talking about!"? It's funny when you know the person, because eventually they will get a call from their wife or their mother, and they will whimper right in front of you, and their voice will dwindle down to a cowardly whisper. It would diminish their credibility, if they had any in the first place. They don't realize that they would get more respect for initially being humble rather then going from attention-starved stereotypical males, to mother/wife/god fearing girlie-men. One of my other favorite things is when unimportant people check their messages once every half hour for the entire evening. I wish I had some of their numbers. I would leave a message saying "Dude, first of all, you shouldn't even have a cell phone, period. Second, nobody important is going to call your sorry ass, and third, you are so pathetic, that the voice you hear most on your phone is the "you have no messages" recording. You're such a sad man, that you're probably getting joy out of me mocking you, because you actually have a message for once. Put down the phone, pick up the gun, and pull the trigger. Maybe then someone will notice you. Or you could try something really crazy, like being yourself. Make a deal with yourself. If no one calls you in the next 24 hours, then get rid of your phone. If someone does call you, try and make it worth their while, then maybe they'll call you again some time. Don't get clingy. The last time you did that, the only phone calls being made were by you, 45 times a day, to your ex-girlfriends answering machine, then by the police, who wanted to ask you a few questions about your extracarricular activities."

There's a sign on the Jack in the Box drive through window, when you pay for your food, that says "If you have any problems, give me a call at 1(scribble)00-(scribble)39-4(scribble)72. -- JACK". See, that's exactly the type of shit I'm talking about, Jack. If only I could read that number, I'd give you a peice of my mind.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +