2003-03-17 | I'M CROSS

What's a dragonfruit?

How come SNL hasn't done a "Squirrel's Gone Wild" parody yet? It's not like their using the air time for anything useful now days anyway. Only half the show is even watchable sometimes now.

Wife beaters are the worst thing to happen to "fashion" since tighty whities.

I have invented a Gay Uncle beater. It looks just like a wife beater, but it's pink and silky.

I've also created a Grandma Beater, which looks like the wife beater but it's old, has holes in it and smells funny.

Then I have the drunk dad beater, which is kind of like the Grandma beater, but it has beer stains on it, and has never been washed.

I've got more tax deductables then Heatchliff Huxtable.

I've only received a couple of "Dear John" letters in my lifetime. Those were by people who couldn't spell my name correctly.

I've received many "Dear Jon" letters, by people who do know how to spell my name.

I've only received one "Deere, John" letter, but it was all shredded up into little peices.

Jesse Camp has faded so far into obscurity, that (this is a true story) I saw him on the Tonight Show during one of those "Jaywalking" spots, and Jay talked to him, and had no idea who he was, never mentioned him, and the crowd was completely silent during his part. He didn't even get top billing in Jaywalking. His 3 seconds were stuffed into the middle of it. Poor Jesse.

Ever since Goldmember, every time I see Beyonce Knowles, especially on those Revlon (or whatever) commercials, I expect her to say "Shizzam!"

Michael Essany will be king.

Note to talk show hosts: Stop bringing people on your show just to make fun of them during their entire interview, unless that's the schtick of your show, and you talk to every guest that way. Lorenzo Lamas is a tool, yes, but why waste time making fun of him, and creating an uncomfortable atmosphere? Just keep showing stupid clips from his show. That was enough to make him look like an ass.

Thank you to Trey and Matt of South Park fame, for making fun of Jeneane Garafalo. Something a lot of the "cool people" are afraid to do. Nobody cares what you think about the war, JG. Give it a rest. And lose the Wonder Woman bracelets. I used to love you, but now I have to kill you. But we can make out while listening to Pavement records first, if you want.

David Cross is a joke thief, and he doesn't even know it.

That's what sucks about being famous to 20 people on diaryland, and nobody else. When you come up with something unsolicited, someone who is already established can use your stuff, because they come up with it while you're still trying to make a name for yourself.

I made up a joke in some music chat room like 3 years ago.

All these stupid kids were talking about what tattoos they wanted to get.

I told them I had a tattoo of Herve Villeschez. (Tattoo (Tatu?) of Fantasy Island fame) Nobody really got it, and it didn't get a big laugh, but it was always one of my favorite original jokes. I used it 3 or 4 times.

Then a couple weeks ago the beloved (though sometimes he borders on Garafalo-like annoyingness, because being nice when you're not trying to be funny isn't cool anymore) David Cross told that same joke on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I couldn't believe it.

On one hand I was pissed, because David Cross got it on the air before I could.

But then it was cool, because David Cross and I have some of the same material!

I'm sure if I ever told him this story, he'd give me the cold shoulder, and tell me to come back when I'm more punk rock, but I still love him anyway.

I wonder if David Cross was in that chat room. Wouldn't that be interesting?

You don't meet many "Crispins".

There's this new horrible McDonalds commercial where people are handing off bags of food to each other. You may be compelled to turn it immediately, because it's......a horrible McDonalds commercial. But watch it for me, just so you can watch the very end of the commercial. There's this lady on rollerblades, and in the background there's a family playing badminton, or something on the beach, and the mother hits the ball to her child, and the daughter not only swings at the ball 2 seconds early, but misses it by nearly 3 feet. It's sad that I find humor in other people's folly, but what can I say? Failure can be funny stuff.

Peace out.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +