2003-03-07 | "THANK YOU. MY TIME IS UP. PLEASE TIP YOUR FLOATATION DEVICES"

Camouflage is one of those rare clothing items that clashes with itself. (and everything else, too)

"YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT WILL BE YOUR WAITRESS, AND YOUR WAITRESSES BREASTS MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE"

Hooters Airlines does sound ridiculous, I must admit. But there would be no shortage of floatation devices on board.

Plus I heard all the pilots have had their wings for years. Sure, they're buffalo wings, but hey, wings are wings right?

There's already a Virgin Airlines. I guess Hooter's should be called Nympho Airlines.

I would love to watch a television network that showed various old home movies with families having Thanksgiving dinner, kids playing Football outside on the street, or opening presents on Christmas morning. They could just play home movies from regular people, but at the top of every hour you show a celebrities home movies, or a fake home movie like they used to show on Wonder Years.

Why do "Joseph" Lawrence and "Deborah" Gibson care what people think? Joseph and Deborah would be nothing without Joey and Debbie. You're never going to be cool in everyones eyes. Changing your name is not going to get you more respect. But when you're as successful as you are both lucky to be, then who cares about universal respect? Who gets universal respect anyway? Like 2 people ever? In other important news: Raven Symone has dropped the Symone, and is now a one-word superstar, like Cher, or Vanilli. Actually, she makes Vanilli seem as reputable as Frank Sinatra. You're an idiot, Raven. When everybody wishes you were 5 years old for eternity, you might want to start wondering why.

How to know if you have good taste in music:

People with bad taste in music, are looking for specific albums EVERY TIME they go to the record store. You know who they are. You hear them everytime you have to go to a more mainstream cd outlet. "What's that one cd? Avril? Oh, where's the B2K. And I gotta get the Good Charlotte, too. And J-Lo."

People with good taste, go to a record store, and pick up a thousand cds in one hour, even though they're only buying a few. We agonize every time we go to a store. Every record store visit is a struggle, but also beautiful. Sometimes we have a list, but usually we only get one thing on the list, and end up finding 5 other things we need more. And finally, we buy music first, even if we can barely afford a can of pork and beans for dinner. We feel stupid each time we do it, but then we do it again next Tuesday.

The only soups that I consider meals, aren't really soups at all. I've seen Chili listed as a soup of the day before. Chili is not a soup. It's a meal. Like stew. That's a fucking meal. That's why they made a special name for it. Stew. My mom makes a Portuguese Bean Soup, with sausage and huge carrots, and cabbage, stuff like that. It has soup in it, but the dish is not soup. It's a meal, sitting in soup. You can have soup in a meal, but when you have meal in a soup, you shouldn't call it soup anymore. I don't usually eat soup unless I consider it to be a meal. Anything less seems pointless. I'd rather have salad as a pre-meal non-meal. I'm not sure what duck soup or talk soup is, so don't ask me.

I have an uncle named "Soupy". It's not his real name, but it is the only name he uses. His last name is Campbell, therefore some genius came up with "Soupy" when he was a kid. Uncle "Soupy" claims that he got his name because he used to be as thin as a "soup-bone", but everybody else in his family swears this is not true. I believe them. Soupy's a little loopy. He used to pay us to give him massages. The easiest money I've ever made. He would fall asleep in like 30 seconds, but he would always pay up before the slumber. A few years ago, Soupy had some shirts made up with the Campbell's soup logo, with something about himself printed below the banner.

Um, if your name didn't come from Campbell's Soup, then why did you make that fucking shirt?

Top 6 weirdest names in my family/extended family: (yes these are real)

6. Junior Boy

5. Uncle Butchie

4. Uncle Soupy

3. Uncle Frosty

2. Aunty Tootsie

1. Aunty Cookie

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