2003-03-04 | MOUTHBOUND PACHYDERM

hacky sacks are one of those unique products that i'd rather just have because i like the way they look, with no intentions of ever using them for the purpose they were meant for. I would collect hacky sacks, if i could find some. then if a hippy wanted to play a game, i'd tell him we could only use a ball from my collection if he washed his hair. i just realized how stupid that statement was because i haven't washed my hair in a few days. hey works for dave grohl right?

the best reality show of all time was the o.j. trial, bar none.

why don't they show reruns of awards shows, or major sporting events? or shows that were on pay per view a year ago? don't give me a political answer to this. i'm talking about common sense reasons.

having wings seems like a nuisance. i have a hard enough time getting comfortable as it is. i bet if i lost a hundred pounds it would help me sleep better.

every time a bell rings, an angel has either two minutes to go to a neutral corner and gather themselves, or has possibly just won or lost a boxing match.

every time a bell rings, an angels dinner is ready.

every time a bell rings, an angel needs an upgrade to cell phone.

everytime a bell rings, an annoying door to door salesman is awaiting your answer.

everytime a bell rings, an angel tries to outsmart mr. belding.

everytime a bell rings, an angel is dreading meeting the school bully in the parking lot, for their 3 o' clock "appointment".

everytime a bell rings, an angel says "shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep".

I could go on like this forever.

Luckily for you, I won't.

Although I'm quite smart, sometimes I look at a standard wall clock, and it takes me a few seconds to figure out what time it is. It's even worse when it's like 9:40, or 6:25. Then I'm really screwed. You know those "on the brink" times where the arms are just an inch apart or less?

Do you know that it's technically illegal to record a professional sporting event, and watch it with a group of friends? (unauthorized duplication and rebroadcast, are strictly prohibited)

For those of you keeping score at home......do you have carpal tunnel syndrome yet?

Right now a terrorist is plotting the destruction of our country, and possibly the world, but don't lose any sleep or anything.

Saying something was "the bomb" was already annoying enough, but if you say it in "these times", you're begging for a double ass kicking.

The terrorists should put us in a figure four leg lock for eternity, because blowing us up will give us instantaneous death, which is what we choose, if we must go at all. But the figure four will have us crying uncle until Osamas beard reaches his pubes.

I tasted a member of the pachyderm family today. (javelina(?)) I didn't enjoy it.

Red Bull must give your money wings, too, because it seems to just fly away whenever that evil beverage is around.

Sometimes I blow on COLD food before I eat it, without even thinking. Sometimes it takes me 3 or 4 bites to realize what I'm doing.

Most sticky situations have nothing to do with glue, tape, velcro, semen, gum, or syrup.

I'm not a racist, but I would admit to being quite the "peoplist" sometimes.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +