2002-12-20 | RYJONSKOPFSTOCK

I am now officially a Tucsonian or Tucsonite or something like that.

I don't know how long I will be here, because I don't have one of those cool phone booths like Bill and Ted, and I don't know George Carlin (although I'd love to, obviously), but I love it here so far. It doesn't hurt that Stephanie is with me pretty much all the time. Makes any place feel like home.

I've been sick as a dog the whole time, but I've never felt better. She's made my transition so easy.

I just got back from meeting her parents, and it went pretty well. Nothing like Stiller and DeNiro, except for when her dad was doing the "I'm watching you" signal with his two fingers and eyes. And when Stephanies brother thought I was sniffing his boxers. (bro?!)

Ok...none of that actually happened. It was pretty boring, but at least it wasn't awkward. I think the reason I wanted to leave the most is because I still feel pretty sick.

Steph-lova (don't worry, I don't really call her that for real) has got to be the best girlfriend ever.

Her and her father had my place (say it like the skinny dork on the Wal-Mart commercials) "hooked-up".

When I walked in there was a couch, a table, a lamp, and a t.v. with a little christmas tree on it in the living room. Then in the kitchen there was a microwave, and all kinds of utensils, plates, etc.

In the bedroom there was a bed, and a computer that her dad had built for me! I was fookin' blown away. (I don't know why I said that like a bloke)

Then to top it all off, when I left her parents house today, her dad let me have her car that she used to drive before she got her Passat. It doesn't run that great, but who cares? I'm so delighted. I don't know what to say. I feel like I owe her and her parents the world. The car actually runs pretty good, it just shakes kind of a lot when you stop at a light, or whatever. But It's great. Hopefully I can find a job close by, so I don't ever get stuck too far from home.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say... I'm just overwhelmed with how great things are going. Hopefully I won't do anything to screw it up.

I don't know why I would say that.

I've never done anything to screw up a relationship before. And this is the best one I've ever had, so what could I do? I feel bad about not being 100 percent perfect to her all the time, but that's tough. I mean I want to be, but it never works out that way. I always piss her off eventually, but thankfully it's never for too long. I'll just keep trying to improve, because her happiness keeps me going.

Now if only Tucsons digital cable package had MTV2, life would be even more sublime. No way. That would be too perfect. That would be like if I opened up the door tomorrow morning and saw a Play Station 2 and a Tivo just sitting in front of my doorstep, I'd be worried, because I would never be able to top that.

Unless of course, I go on one of those marry a millionare shows, and poison the dude right after he signs the prenuptual agreement, saying I get half of everything. But that would suck, because I'd have to kiss him at the wedding.

Maybe I can pull an Anna Nicole on.....Anna Nicole? I mean she can't go on forever with her current habits, can she?

What I really hope happens is that I become a multi-millionare, so Stephanie never has to work again, and somebody elses kids never have to work again. (I don't think we're having any.) Maybe Megs and Ryans!

No way...they'd be like, screw the kids! We're spending the money!

Or Ryan and I could make our own rock festival like Lollapalooza....or Waynestock. But we wouldn't invite Aerosmith. Those fucking geezers. The lineup would be:

7:00am The Pinky Swears (the emo-mock band featuring me on vocals, Ryan on the wheels of steel, Jamie on Guitar, Meg on drums, and Les Claypool on bass)

8:00am MC Paul Barman (upon Ryans approval)

9:00am Rocket From the Crypt

10:00am Modest Mouse

11:00am Kool Keith

12:00pm The Pavers

1:00pm Barry Manilow

2:00pm Doug Martsch orchestra (feat. members and songs of Treepeople, Halo Benders, Built to Spill, etc.)

3:00pm Chewbacca Uncircumcized (J-Meddows (me) and the Suburban Hoodlum (greg) with DJ Ryan on the wheels of steel)

3:30pm Supersuckers

4:00pm Dead Milkmen (reunited)

4:30pm Gwen Mars (and it feels so good)

5:00pm Eyes Adrift (with Dave Grohl on vocals for Foo Fighters songs, and on drums for the rest, and Eric from Sublime on extra bass, and featuring various vocalists doing Nirvana and Sublime covers, and Curt singing Meat Puppets songs.)

6:00pm And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead

6:30pm Boilermaker (reunited again)

7:00pm Queens of the Stone Age

8:00pm Ghostface Killah feat. a bunch of guys from "Shaolin"

8:30pm the White Stripes (upon approval from Ryan)

9:00pm Ween

10:00pm the Flaming Lips

11:00pm Tenacious D.

Midnight- Chokebore (feat. Ryan and Jon singing on the encore song "Screaming Infidelities" (jon's e-libs version)

emcee=Conan O'Brien

comedy between sets=Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Todd Barry, Greg Behrendt, Bobcat Goldthwait, Dave Attell, Louis C.K., David Cross

djs between sets=Ryan, me (trying), dj shadow, dj wally, dj q-bert, les rhythmes digitales, mixmaster mike, dj tanner

Doesn't that sound like fucking fun? If we could ever pull that off, we could die the next day.....Woo!!! I'm fired up!

- premature ejaculation | tantra +