2002-08-13 | SNAILS PACE

You know what sucks about being down all the time? Especially over someone who has broken your heart. You miss out on so much. And you could also be taking away from someone who wants to spend some time with you. But if they don't tell you, then it's their fault, too. It's just like running in place. You get no where.

I'm not down now.

I'm pretty happy.

But I look at other peoples diaries, and just the littlest thing gets me thinking about what I haven't experienced.

I've never even been on a date before. In a way it's good, because I've never been rejected on a date, but I've been rejected lots, by people I've worked with, friends who I wanted to become more, classmates, all kinds of girls. But never rejected on an actual date.

I've only been out with girls after they're my girlfriend.

I've only asked one girl out in my life, and she said "no". Actually, I asked her if she was seeing somebody, and she said "yes". But that was a big deal for me to even be able to go that far.

I didn't go to my senior prom. The only dance I went to was in freshman year, with this girl I had a crush on for about 10 years. Some geek kept cutting in. Who fucking cuts in at the Winter Ball? Who was this guy?

I was always afraid somebody would say "no". How sad to be afraid of two little letters. I'm ashamed of myself for not trying more. I spent so many nights just watching lame tv, or listening to sad music in the dark, or drinking alone on the porch.

But I feel uncomfortable in social situations at times. I just get to this point where I don't know what to do anymore. "Initiating conversation would be a good idea, dumbass!"

Anyway, I'm happy at where I am right now, but occasionally I still dwell on what I could've and should've done from age 15-25. And that doesn't even scratch the surface. Don't even get me started at where I could be career wise. I've really got to start moving.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +