2002-08-12 | SCREENSAVOR

THE PART OF MY SCREENPLAY THAT I WAS TYPING TODAY.

(IT'S OKAY IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON)

RALPH MACCHIO

MILES:

WHICH ONE WAS HE?

MACEO:

YOU�VE SEEN IT?

MILES:

THE OUTSIDERS?

MACEO:

NO. �NAKED IN NEW YORK�.

MILES:

I THINK I�VE SEEN PARTS OF IT

MACEO:

YEAH. I�LL JUST TAKE THAT AS A �NO�.

MILES:

EXCUSE ME?

MACEO:

OH, IT�S NOTHING. IT�S JUST THAT EVERYTIME SOMEONE TELLS ME THAT THEY�VE SEEN �SOME� OR �PARTS� OF A MOVIE, THERE�S A FUNNY SIMILARITY THAT GOES ALONG WITH EVERY ONE OF THESE SITUATIONS. THEY�RE LYING! IN EVERY CASE. THEY CAN NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT IT. THEY DON�T REMEMBER SHIT. NONE OF THE SCENES. WHO WAS IN THE MOVIE. THEY JUST NOD THEIR HEADS

(he starts nodding his head and speaking slower and even more sarcastically)

LIKE THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SCENE I�M TALKING ABOUT. SO PLEASE. SAVE ME SOME TIME, AND JUST ADMIT YOU�VE NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE.

MILES:

I THINK I�VE SEEN SOME OF IT.

MACEO:

(sighing in frustration)

YOU�VE PROBABLY SEEN THE BOX AT THE VIDEO STORE, OR THE TITLE OF IT IN THE TV GUIDE, BUT AS FAR AS YOU, YOURSELF, SEEING ANY ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE FILM, I�M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NEGATORY ON THAT ONE, MY FRIEND.

RUSSELL:

WHAT�S IT CALLED?

MACEO:

FUCKING �NAKED IN NEW YORK�

RUSSELL:

IT�S CALLED �FUCKING NAKED IN NEW YORK�?

MACEO:

NO. JUST �NAKED IN NEW YORK�.

RUSSELL:

(mumbling while eating)

NEVER HEARD OF IT

ARON:

ME NEITHER

MACEO:

ANYWAY, ERIC STOLTZ IS IN IT....

RUSSELL:

(trying to place the name)

HMMM...ERIC STOLTZ....

MACEO:

YEAH THE GUY FROM MASK

MILES:

AND RALPH MACCHIO IS IN IT--THE �KARATE KID�

RUSSELL:

WASN�T HE IN THE OUTSIDERS?

ARON:

WHICH ONE WAS HE? SODAPOP?

MILES:

NO, NO, NO....

MACEO:

NO IT WASN�T FUCKING SODAPOP. WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME IT WAS SODAPOP? HE WAS HARDLY EVEN IN THE FUCKING MOVIE.

RUSSELL:

HE WAS IN MY COUSIN VINNY, TOO.

MILES:

OH YEAH....

ARON:

�YOUTS�. GREAT FUCKING MOVIE, MAN.

RUSSELL:

THE JUDGE WAS HERMAN MUNSTER

MACEO:

I WAS TALKING ABOUT RALPH FUCKING MACCHIO, HERE....

RUSSELL:

WAIT.....WAIT!

MACEO:

WHAT?

RUSSELL:

DON�T YOU SEE THE IRONY IN THIS?

MACEO:

NO...FORGIVE ME RUSSELL. I DON�T SEE THE IRONY BETWEEN HERMAN MUNSTER, THE KARATE KID, SODAPOP, AND MY COUSIN FUCKING VINNY. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

MILES:

I DON�T REALLY SEE THE IRONY, EITHER.

MACEO:

YOU CAN�T EVEN SPELL �IRONY�, JACKASS

MILES:

IT�S LIKE �IRON� WITH AN �EEE� SOUND AT THE END, BUT THE �E� IS ACTUALLY A �Y�......

ARON:

THERE�S AN IRONY?

RUSSELL:

I THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS

MACEO:

YEAH, WE�RE ALL MISSING IT, RUSSELL. PLEASE ENLIGHTEN US.

RUSSELL:

WELL, SEE, THE LATE FRED GWYNNE, WHO PLAYED �HERMAN MUNSTER� ON THE 60�S HIT TELEVISION SERIES �THE MUNSTERS�, PLAYED A JUDGE IN THE HIT MOVIE �MY COUSIN VINNY�.....

MACEO:

YEAH, I THINK WE GOT THAT FAR....

ARON:

WHERE�S THE IRONY, MAN?

MACEO:

�THE IRONY MAN�...THAT�S FUNNY. LIKE IF GHOSTFACE KILLAH WAS A SKINNY WHITE COMIC, HE�D BE CALLED �THE IRONY MAN�....

RUSSELL:

OKAY, OKAY..I�M GETTING TO THE IRONIC PART.....SO WHERE WAS I? OKAY. THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED GRANDPA MUNSTER....I CAN�T REMEMBER HIS NAME--WELL, ANYWAY, HE IS NOW A JUDGE ON THE PEOPLE�S COURT! NOW, TELL ME THAT�S NOT FUCKING IRONIC, MAN.

MACEO:

UH....RUSSELL? YOU WOULDN�T HAPPEN TO BE REFERRING TO ED KOCH WOULD YOU?

RUSSELL:

YEAH, YEAH! THAT�S HIM.

MACEO:

I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, MR. IRONY, BUT ED KOCH WAS NOT GRANDPA MUNSTER, AND HE HASN�T EVEN BEEN ON THE PEOPLE�S COURT FOR YEARS.

RUSSELL:

(shocked)

NO?

Jon shakes his head �no�

WELL WHAT WAS HE IN, THEN?

MACEO:

HE WASN�T IN ANYTHING. HE WAS IN OFFICE. HE USED TO BE THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK.

RUSSELL:

OH....REALLY? BUT HE WAS ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE THIS ONE TIME...

MACEO:

SO WAS FUCKING STEVE FORBES....WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME? HE WAS FUCKING �RADAR� FROM �M*A*S*H*� BECAUSE THEY BOTH WEAR GLASSES?

RUSSELL:

WHO IN THE HELL IS STEVE FORBES.

ARON:

I THINK HE WAS THAT GUY WHO INVENTED APPLE COMPUTERS OR SOMETHING.....

MACEO:

WILL YOU GUYS SHUT THE FUCK UP? I�VE NEVER HEARD PEOPLE SPEAK SO CONFIDENTLY ABOUT WHAT THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

ARON:

THAT WAS A GREAT FUCKING MOVIE, THOUGH....

MACEO:

BACK TO �NAKED IN NEW YORK�

ARON:

NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT �MY COUSIN VINNY�

MACEO:

I KNOW! NOW I�M GOING BACK TO �NAKED IN NEW YORK�. SO. RALPH MACCHIO AND ERIC STOLTZ ARE AT SOME PARTY OR SOMETHING, JUST CHILLING OUT IN THE CORNER, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, RALPH MACCHIO LAYS A BIG FAT KISS RIGHT ON ERIC�S LIPS.

RUSSELL:

ON HIS MOUTH?

MACEO:

YEAH, RIGHT ON THE FUCKING LIPS

Everybody reacts loudly.

AND I�M NOT TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THOSE SITCOM HIGH-SCHOOL DANCE SMOOCHES ON THE CHEEK, OR A HARMLESS PECK, THIS IS A GOOD FUCKING KISS! IF IT WERE SAY.... �DANIEL SAN�S� GIRLFRIEND, AND �MASKS� MOM MAKING OUT.....THEN YOU�D BE FEELING A LITTLE TINGLY.

ARON:

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

MACEO:

AS A HEART-ATTACK.

ARON:

WELL..IT�S JUST....I�VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +