2002-05-02 | THE AMAZINGLY TRUE STORY OF RAY LIOTTAS MAGICAL UNDERWEAR COLLECTION

by Jonathan Pebblestone, as told to by Gregory "Ravishing Rick" Roods

i was at Ray Liottas house while he was asleep, and i was going thru his collection of fine wines, and his antique jewelry, when, to my surprise, i saw a portrait of his dog, "George the Third", his little French Rottweiler

I was so in awe of this portrait that I had to pick it up and take a closer look

after looking at this wonderful display of craftsmanship and artwork, i did not know where i was wandering to, because i was just walking around the living room there..

i just happened to end up walking into his bedroom where he lay sleeping...

the sheet that he had draped over him-

i think it was made of Persian cat hair, but i'm not too sure on that, but it was definitely some kind of animal

....but that has nothing to do with what i'm about to tell you-

because the covers, the sheets, were somewhat tossed of him, you know ruffled about the bed...

here's the interesting part-

i noticed the underwear he was wearing..

it was unlike any underwear i had ever seen

his underwear, for one, were just immaculate..

almost as if they just glowed in the dark, like they kind of just shined like a beacon in the night

and, on a square right on the back, like right on his butt cheek, there was a portait of Margaret Thatcher

After standing there for about an hour or so, in just complete awe of this, i thought, "he must have more...i must see these!"

so i slowly made my way to his dresser drawer, and began to slowly search thru it

and all i found was, you know, you're regular assortment of underwear, ties, socks, etc., etc.

and then, to my curious delight, i saw a key on the top of his desk by the window

and i wondered "hmmm, that's peculiar, why would there just be a key there"

so i decided to pick it up

it wasn't like any ordinary key

it had a, on the handle, now that i think about it, the handle of the key looked like "briefs"

i looked at the key, and then i looked at the handle, then i looked around the room, and in the far corner there was a chest, just lying there, practically calling out to me

and my heart stopped

i knew that this chest was where the treasure lay

that's where i would find Ray, uh, what's his last name?, oh yes, Liotta, that's right, that's where i would find Ray Liotta's underwear collection

so i walked over to the chest, and i put the key into the....hole..you could say

and i turned the key

and with a click, just like that, the fortune, treasure, the wonderful, wonderful things that i am about to tell you about, had appeared

my hands were shaking

i was trembling in anticipation, in excitement

like maybe the first time you look at a Playboy, you know that feeling? like the nervous, butterflies feeling

the underwear was flawless, if i dare even speak that name "underwear"

these garments far surpassed the mere title of "underwear"

my hands were oily and sweaty, from just the sheer panic i felt the entire time

i was thinking "do i dare even touch them?"

"do i dare even touch them with my unpure body and mind?"

then as if the devil himself were inside of me telling me "C'mon, pick it up, bro, you know you want to, C'mon it's right there, and he's still asleep, he's not gonna know anything"

so, hands trembling, i reached down, into what some might even consider heaven

my fingers were millimeters away from the fabric, and suddenly from behind me, I heard "hey, you fucking freak! what are you doing with my underwear?! Get the hell out of there!"

and like that, like i had awaken from a sweet, sweet dream, i was pulled away, and arrested, and taken to the local police station

Mr. Ray Liotta now has a restraining order against me, and I can never see his beloved underwear again

Whhhhhhyyyyy!!!

why show me heaven, and then damn me to hell!!!! WHY!!!!!

- premature ejaculation | tantra +