2002-04-13 | YOU CALL THEM GUILTY PLEASURES, I CALL THEM "FILTHY TREASURES!" (maniacal laughter)

More scatterbrained, unorganized braindroppings about tv and stuff.

"Wassup with Latoya Jackson? You have to be pretty fucked up to be known as the 'Crazy Jackson'"--Chris Rock (i think?)

I was a downer a couple weeks ago. A party pooper. Mr. Boring. An old dude. I called the cops on some kids partying on my street. I know, I'm lame. I couldn't help it. It was the loudest party i've ever heard, and it's not like this is some apartment complex in the ghetto. This is a nice residential area with lots of kids, and lots of people who have to work in the morning, and lots of people who actually own the property they live in, therefore have some rights. The music was horrible, too. They were playing "booty rap", and not only could you hear the ridiculous bass booming non-stop, but you could hear the vocals. That's loud! I could sing along with some of the songs, as the lame teenagers outside were doing. People were drinking on the street, and leaving bottles and other trash all over the street, and just being assholes for no reason. I just couldn't believe that they thought they could get away with having a party that fucking rowdy, and not have anything happen. I was surprised it lasted even a half hour, because I live near a high school, and the cops drive by all the time and check out the area, because kids tend to park up at the high school and drink brewskies. Anyway, I know it was kind of a dorky thing to do, but it was just out of control. Sowwy.

Do you guys know who Jamie Kennedy is? Not just from that halfway decent show on UPN, but from his movies and stuff? He's pretty fucking awesome most of the time. I think he's kind of stilted on national tv, and a little held back, as far as the limits to what he can and can't do on network television. First thing I remember him in was Scream, and he was pretty good in that. He was funny in Three Kings, as the horny, geeky cameraman, trying to hit on Nora Dunn. I will always remember him running around in his red (i think) underwear. And you gotta love the cheesy mustache. He had the same 'stache in THE BOILER ROOM. That movie was pretty cool, but Jamie was hilarious. I love his black accent. He does it wonderfully. Quoting Biggie Smalls. Per-ity funny. He did the black accent on the JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT, too, when he was acting like a white rapper who was supposedly dating this professional looking college student. Her sister and mom were mad, because they thought she could do better. Jamie was telling them that he could support her because of his pending rap career. He was talking about how the "hood" was rough, and they asked him what "hood" he was from, and he was like "Ma-li-bu". He called Starbucks "star-bizzucks", and said he was over and "Barnes and Nizzoble". He even rapped a little. He was like "i can rap about anything", and he proceeded to do the same "freestyle" twice, identically. "Nookie, nookie, i never played hookie in school...."

The soundtrack to BOILER ROOM was surprising. Alot of good background music, and some underground hip hop. They were even playing a little UGLY DUCKLING, one of my favorite rap groups. Three white guys from Long Beach who rap about fun stuff, like cartoons, etc., and do alot of cool references to classic hip hop albums and songs.

I've been watching a lot more 80's movies recently, because I was kind of anti-them when they actually came out, because every kid wanted to watch them. And i was pretending to be too cool to want to watch them, too. SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL, was okay. I like Eric Stoltz. Especially since PULP FICTION, of course. I used to have a massive crush on MARY STUART MASTERSON, but i forgot, because I hadn't seen her as a young actress in a long time. She just had this look that used to wreck me big time.

Have you seen CRUEL INTENTIONS 2? Please do. You have to watch it at least one time, just to see how beautifully horrible and cheesy it is. There's some "fly honeys" in it, too, so that should give you guys a little incentive.

FUN FACT: STEVE MARTIN-Never a cast member of Saturday Night Live. I know some of you know that, but alot of people forget, because he was on there so many times.

I love all these shows: HOME MOVIES, SOUTH PARK, SIMPSONS, FUTURAMA, KING OF THE HILL, etc. So why don't I watch them more? Or at all, for some of them. I used to watch alot more music programming. I hardly watch MTV 2 anymore, and I'll tell you why. My VCR is broken. And I used to record all the cool and classic videos, and all the great live performances I would catch on tv, and now I can't. So it's not the same to be able to watch it, but be unable to record it. I like to record alot of stuff off tv shows. I have all these video compilations of various things. Just a sort of hobby of mine, I guess.

Have you noticed that nobody says "Goodbye" anymore? Like when people leave, or hang up the phone. This happens alot in real life, but even more on TV, which, I don't know, makes people think it's more acceptable? I have no idea. It's just weird. Like in TV shows they don't say anything when they hang up the phone. They just say the last peice of information, and then abruptly hang up. Happens alot in "24".

So....E! has this show called "Rank" where they rank their favorites in a variety of different subjects. A couple weeks ago, I was watching one for "favorite guilty pleasure tv shows", or something like that. THE RESULTS WERE SHOCKING! Okay, not really, but I do have to disagree and elaborate on some of the shows that ranked. So here's the list of most of them, and some comments.

18. FAMILY MATTERS-Clearly should've ranked higher. Gotta love Urkel. It was weird, though, when he started going in that time machine and turning into "Stephon", Steve's "cousin". It was really strange how much he was at the Winslows house, too. There's just so many strange things about that show. You just start taking for granted that Steve's at their house alot. But think of the weirdness. How many shows started out with Steve just hanging out in their kitchen by himself, and someone comes in and their just like "hi, Steve", not even concerned that the weirdo from next door is lounging in their crib. Whatever, I just love this show. Except for the Aunt, and that stupid gheri curled son she had. They had to go. And that younger daughter that just kind of dissappeared in the later seasons. She was horrible.

17. WHO'S THE BOSS-Another favorite. I don't remember it as much as Family Matters, but I used to watch it every week, so I must've liked it. Weren't you guys shocked when JONATHAN came out a few years ago? That was just an earth shaker. I thought he "came out" when he was on the show, wearing gay sweaters every week. (don't ask me what a "gay sweater" is. I'm not sure) And he was always clearly uncomfortable around the various actresses who played his girlfriends on the show. And I think I saw him sneaking a peak at Tony Danza's tight jeans a few too many times. Did anybody else think Mona was hot? Um...yeah, me neither...um...shut up! I don't love her!

ALYSSA MILANO deserves her own paragraph. I love you ALYSSA. Oh my god, did I want to marry this girl for like ten years of my young life. I was obsessed with her. She was so dreamy. More on this later........Hey, do you remember that one Who's the Boss where Tony was in a pool hall, and some asshole was there and they ended up fighting or something. There was that one great oriental actor that guest starred on that show, and he kept saying "What a Jerk" everytime that one guy did or said something stupid. I know, I'm not giving you much to work with.

16. WKRP IN CINCINNATI-Guilty Pleasure?!? This was just a good, extremely popular show, that I think was even critically acclaimed, wasn't it? That's not exactly a guilty pleasure. But anyway. Howard Hessman was on it. You know, the teacher from HEAD OF THE CLASS. You can't beat that. And Loni Andersons nipples were unstoppable. I wanted to marry her, too. She was incredible back then. Hmmm...Loni Anderson reminds me of Burt Reynolds, which reminds me of my top 3 movies of all time:

3. SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT

2. CANNONBALL RUN

1. COP AND A HALF

The Maytag Man was also great on WKRP. I used to love the theme song, too.

14. GROWING PAINS-Another show that I wasted alot of my time watching. And wasted again on reruns. But I loved it. Plus it's where "LEO!" got his start. I used to love Traci Gold, too, except when she looked like they had forced her to go on stage with a cattle prod. I used to love Kirk Cameron. I was weird. I wasn't gay, but I used to admire male actors way too much. They had a mini-rank for top 5 "Male Crushes". I think Kirk Cameron was nominated, but JOHN STAMOS! won. But the mention of Kirk, reminded me that I used to buy a "BOP!" or "TEEN BEAT" every once in awhile and put every poster on my wall. It used to suck when they had someone good on one page, and then someone even better on the other side. It was such a dilemma to which side you would actually put up. I remember specifically that my most posted stars were the fucking incredible and extremely luscious ALYSSA MILANO, the stunning Kirk Cameron, and COREY FELDMAN? I don't know why I liked Feldman back then. Maybe it was because I loved STAND BY ME (and still do), and BAD NEWS BEARS the television series. Anyway, back to the rankings.

13. WHAT'S HAPPENING-I don't have enough time to tell you how much I used to love this show. I used to rush home to watch it. I was in love with this show. Rerun, Rog, Dwayne, Shirley, Mama, Dee, etc. You gotta love it. I used to love Dwayne. I thought he would be a nice guy to hang out with. He was like my favorite actor for awhile. It was such a fun, peaceful show to grow up on. Please show me some reruns!!!! (No pun intended)

12. MORK AND MINDY-This shouldn't be a guilty pleasure either. It was just good, and mysterious, and groundbreaking. They had some great cliffhangers. Robin Williams is a genius. This show is not a guilty pleasure, it's just that damn good.

10. FULL HOUSE-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can you not love this show. I know it's the worst, but it's the best at being the worst, which makes it better. I saw Lori Laughlin at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas the night that it opened, and it felt like I was looking at any other mega celebrity. She's a fucking mega-star in my book. Anybody from that show is. And the Olsen Twins are so fucking hot now. I bet you Stephanie Tanner is even hotter then she was on the last season of that show now. I even wanted to bang Kimmy Gibler at one point. (just kidding) I actually dug Candice Cameron for awhile. (before she was hot like she was the final few seasons) Off the subject, just for the record, I used to have a massive, massive crush on Six from Blossom. Another girl I swore I would marry someday. Anwyay, Full House was just magical. Un-fucking-stoppable. Except by number 2 on this countdown.......(wait, don't scroll down, cheater. wait like everybody else)

9. DIFF'RENT STROKES-Another one that should not be a guilty pleasure. This show is just classic. Arnold and Willis are the Tag Team Champions of the tv universe. The gooch was such a scary thought back then. The villain that they would never show. He was just like this legendary figure that you had in your mind, that would kill you in 2 seconds if you ever ran into him in a dark alley. Or even a well lit one. That show was the ultimate. I can't believe Dana Plato is dead. Well, I can believe it, but it's just weird.

8. TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT-I don't even remember what this show was about. I don't even think I liked it that much, but I watched it every week. And every day when they re-ran it on USA. I do remember that I loved, and still love to this day JIM J. BULLOCK. I just love that guy. I can't explain why. I just do. Somethings can't be explained. I just loved him. An even gayer John Ritter. How can you not love that. (just for the record, i love gay people, in case you didn't know that by now)

7. PERFECT STRANGERS-Another show that I do not have enough time to tell you how much I love. BALKY! He is the ultimate character ever. Bronson Pinchot is so underrated. People always make fun of him. I mean, he was in TRUE ROMANCE for a reason, people. He rules!! I just loved everything about that show. The physical comedy was hi-fucking-larious.

6. GILLIGANS ISLAND-Just loved it. Don't know what to say about it that you don't already know.

5. MARRIED WITH CHILDREN-I don't know. I like it okay. I loved it before it was even cool to LIKE it. Then it just blew up. I don't have the same feeling for it anymore, as I did the first couple seasons. BUD BUNDY is still my hero. I hope he puts out a rap album soon. Or did he already? POOBIES!

4. ALF-I don't remember this show at all, because they never rerun it around here, but it's one of my favorite shows ever. I used to do the ALF "ha" at school, and it was a hit. That's the only time people thought I was funny.

3. BOSOM BUDDIES-Not a guilty pleasure! Classic genius!!!!!! One of the best TV shows ever!!! I love you WENDI JO SPERBER!!!

2. SAVED BY THE BELL-Just the best ever. How horrible can you get. Somebody had a great quote on it. Something like "I watched every show for 5 years, and didn't laugh once, and enjoyed every minute of it", or something like that. Remember the nerds on that show? Not Screech, but the guys with the black frame glasses with the tape in the middle, and the pocket protectors. Those guys were great. Screech is just a maniac. I love him. It was weird when he changed his voice on the new Saved by the Bell. Out of all the girls on that show I think I was in love with Jesse Spano, but i don't remember. And I loved Leah Remini when she would come on there "pre-king of queens". Remember when they were in that doo-wop band and they lip synced "Barbara Ann" from the BEACH BOYS? That was classic. Two of the few things I hated were Ms. Bliss, and that fucking idiot from the diner, that would do magic tricks, and try to be funny. (Max?) Fun fact: The first year of the show they were in INDIANA, and then suddenly one day, without explanation they were in Malibu. Genius!! Oh-they had a mini-ranking for top 5 tv geeks of all time, and the nominees didn't make sense. Urkel, he's a geek, clearly, but Screech was more of a dork, just a freaky weirdo, and Dwayne Wayne and Doogie Howser weren't nerds or geeks or anything, they were just intelligent. URKEL won, hands down, of course. Actually he won hands and arms flailing, with feet slipping, and knocking over the awards acceptance podium, pausing, and then shouting out, to the thrill of the 37 fans and 3 reporters in attendance "Did I do that?"

1. (drum roll please) THREE'S COMPANY-Again, just no words that can express the love for this show. John Ritter is a comedic genius. One of the best and most underrated physical comedians of all time. He had the greatest facial reactions of all time, as well. And Suzanne Somers was another CALF. (Cheesy Actress i'd Like to.....)

And a separate paragraph for the fucking masters:

NORMAN FELL

DON KNOTTS

These two guys are so underrated, and not discussed enough. Norman was great in THE GRADUATE, and Don was amazing in THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, another favorite show of mine.

Anyway, I hope you read my whole entry, because I had alot of fun typing it up. I could talk for hours about this stuff. Take care, and don't forget to pet your Chimpanzees.

Love, Jonathan Skywalker, Captain of the Green People Eating Network (G-Pen)

p.s. another thing i remembered while i was typing this. What happened to Alfonzo Ribero? He was so awesome on Silver Spoons (one of my favorite guilty pleasures, and one of my favorite shows of all time period. Remember the one with the Micheal Jackson impersonator? Fucking incredible. I have great memories of that diner, or malt shop, or whatever they called it), but he has sucked big time since then. He was such a dumbass on Fresh Prince of Stale Air Time. Anyway, I just miss the way he was back in the day. We miss you, bro. Come back to your Silver Spoons faithful.

Oops! sorry, one more! Remember the older brother from BLOSSOM? Have you noticed him on those computer commercials? He's been on them for like 3 or 4 years now. The weird thing is he's been on them for that long, and he's just a supporting actor, and barely speaks. He just sits there like a dumbass, while his nerdy, talkative friend talks about technology. It's pretty sad that he can't even get a lead on a lame commercial now. What's next? Will he audition to be an audience member at an infommercial taping? Cmon man. I only tease you because I love you. Get a new agent on the double.

Peace out

- premature ejaculation | tantra +