2002-01-14 | I'M SO COMMERCIAL

Something started me thinking about commercials today. I think it may have been, oh, i don't know, a COMMERCIAL!?!

What happened to the Starbust guy in the convenient store? I hated him at first, but he grew on me like a sugared up, lumpy wart-guy-thingy. Well, not like that, but he grew on me. I got so comfortable with him, then one day he just disappeared, and took my heart with him. I wonder if they had to call him in to the office and tell him because Starbursts lame little candies didn't meet their expectations this month, they were going to change their commercials to random idiot teenagers in a car digging for old starbursts. Everyone knows only the pink ones are good. Of the original of course. The tropical starbursts are all pretty good, but Pink reigns supreme, just like the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. (i've never really seen that, so don't get all aggro on me) I thought that "Starburst Convenient Store Guy" was going to be a star, and start showing up in movies and stuff, but I haven't recognized him anywhere. Someone, please inform me on the where abouts of this lovely human being. He made me want to buy starburst! That takes alot, dear, man.

I like the DELL guy, too. The nervous, but confident, high on pixie sticks, listening to SAVES THE DAY in his walkman, old navy clad, teenage computer salesman. This guy is like the modern version of the guy from FAST TIMES who sold BLUE OYSTER CULT tickets. I think the kids give him their allowance or whatever. I don't know, there's something shady about him. I'll get to the bottom of this. At first he was just making a home movie in his room, asking his mom and dad for a computer, and now he's hanging out at circuit city all day, strung out on orange julius. I love his mannerisms though. He's nice. I want to hang out with him. I totally want a DELL!! Fuck yizzah.

Okay. The fucking "ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITTANICA BOY"! Where have you been, you forgotten gem. Yes, I wanted to beat you unmercilessly when i was like, i don't know 13? But since you've been gone, i've seen what I was missing. And you need a lawyer, bucko, because that obnoxious little wanker HARRY POTTER is taking your concept and rolling with it. You didn't have a broom, or any magical powers, but you had fucking powers, man. Yes you did, partner. He's got the glasses like you, the hair, the geekness, you know all that stuff that you mastered. Fuck Harry Poe-uh, that imposter. That fucking girl scout commercial with the little brother whining, too. He stole your fucking voice. Get an attorney, four eyes. You don't need the job at Baskins and Robbins that much. "I'm on your side, no where to hide."

I see 7UP (YOURS) GUY. (ORLANDO JONES) You're too famous now. No more 7 Up commercials for you, ese. Well, I kind of like you, but I loved you on those commercials. The way you always say "THANK 'YO'", in that distinguished voice. You brought me lots of laughs, seriously. One of the most interesting ad campaigns in awhile. And the new guy sucks so far. Jeez, la-freakin-weeze. He really stunk it up in the first commercial. Can you give him a few pointers on how to not completely suck, please? Thank yoe!

Somebody told me they're not going to have any more Wendys commercials now, not the silly ones, because of the passing of Dave Thomas. I haven't heard any official word on this. All i know is I miss having a Wendys close to home. eeeeze gooode. I want one of those wendys pick-up window night light things from the commercial, but I don't think that was an actual product for sale or anything. I just want one, damnit!

- premature ejaculation | tantra +