2001-12-26 | WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT

So i've been watching that great television show Ed off and on, more recently off, since it came on the air, and there was something familiar about the lead actress. At first i thought maybe another actress. Maybe she was just Elizabeth "Shue-ian".

But tonight I noticed finally that she looks like this girl that i had a little thing for, for awhile when i lived in Bend, Oregon. She is one of the biggest mysteries of my life.

Her name was Amanda. She had this irresistable grin. After only a couple of days working with her, (I would mostly just pass her by, because I worked in the regular restaurant part, and she worked in banquets)she started calling me pet names like "cutie" and stuff. I didn't think much of it. I'm used to girls playfully flirting with me and then not liking me when I want to ask them out, but she ended up taking it to weird levels.

First of all, she had issues, and no one would explain them to me. There was this weird hippy guy that she confided in, and he was an asshole, and I wondered why she would confide in him, and not confide in me. She was in and out of alcoholics anonymous and other various rehab outlets, i presume.

So she would always smile at me and touch me, and just obviously flirt with me, and try and be close to me, and then act like she didn't care. I know when someones flirting with me. It doesn't happen often, so i usually can tell when it's happening, although it's hard for me to tell sometimes when a girl likes me, but anyway...

So we would go to this bar after work sometimes, a bunch of people from work. At first it was cool, just a few people. I would massage her back and neck and stuff. It was nice. She seemed to enjoy it. Whenever I stopped she'd like whine or pout in a cute way. Then the enemy started coming to the bar. Cheesy, chiseled Troy, the generic bartender, whom she apparently had taken a liking to. He was a cowboy type, which alot of women around there find attractive, and he was "mature" because he had a daughter or whatever, but he couldn't get along with 24 year olds who were trying to be civilized. Yeah, he's mature, alright. This guy was a dick, and for some reason, nobody saw it as much as me. But she was still flirty with me.

Anyway, Troy ended up not being what she was looking for, and I don't think he was crazy about her either. Then she went to rehab for a long time. When she came back, she was nice again for a while. She would visit with me, and smile, and call me cutie or whatever. She was the type of girl, whenever I talked about going out or something she'd be like "I'd go out with you" or stuff like that. So, finally I tried asking her to do something. I said "What are you doing Monday?" She'd be like "I have to do some stuff". "Tuesday?". "I might be free, oh no, wait, I have to do something that day." "Ever?" "Look! I don't know, okay?" "Jeez, sorry", I would say.

Then, one night, I thought I was going to take her home, by myself!! And she was going to be a little tipsy!! This was my chance to make a move!! But no, this is me we're talking about. Clay the alcoholic chef decided to drink with her. And then he proceeded to kiss her right before they BOTH got into my car. Let me point out, that I am way too fucking nice. I just shut up, and took them home. They didn't go home together or anything. But he ruined any rhythm that i had going. Clay didn't remember anything the next day. He was pretty funny about it. Things between me and her were never the same. She was downright bitchy to me for the rest of my time there. She wasn't even nice to me on my last night there. I don't think she liked my silent treatment to her after the "Clay Incident".

I'll always remember this one thing she said to me one night. I'm doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in a dive bar titled, un-uniquely, i should add, "Players", and she goes "Hey, I hear they're looking for models in Portland". I was looking down, so I didn't know who she was talking to. After a couple moments of silence I said "You talking to me" in a funny, almost DeNiro kind of way, but not like in Taxi Driver, just more smooth like. And she goes "Yeah, you". Not being used to those kinds of comments about myself, I say "What is it, Big and Tall or something?". She says "No... I'm serious.. I think you'd make a good model". What a strange comment from somebody who I never even kissed. I've kissed girls who never even complimented me in the least. This girl seemed to dig me for a while and nothing. Weird.

I kissed one girl in Oregon if I remember correctly, and it was during a Spin the Bottle-esque type of game. She seemed to enjoy it though. Then she got weird, too. Never talked to me my last 6 months there. I swear, I'm not weird either, or anything. I think they are, though. Her name was Heather. She was cute, and nice at first, but bitchy later, as she got more popular. I always get left behind when people get popular. They always forget the little people, that were there when they were at the bottom. I heard she got fat now. Good for her. Now you'll get a little taste of the cruel, cruel world, slick.

Anyways, I'm always obsessing over what could have been during my 6 single years from sept. of 95- june of '01.

Joanna- Bad news from the start. Wanted to kiss her badly, though. I'm a kisser. She was a cute little thing. But not worth it. I'm glad I didn't get involved with her.

Charlotte- My first love, who I would run into every few years, and still have a little thing for. She's now a lesbian. Too unappreciative for someone like me. She would've made me more miserable in the long run, as a girlfriend, then she ever did when she wasn't.

Caroline- Charlottes older sister. Mystical, beautiful, confused. She said she would marry me if i could take care of her. Don't know if she was joking. Kissed her once. Wanted so much more. Saw her the other night. Bragged about my new girl. Maybe she was slightly jealous? I hope so!

Sunni- A snob. A cute, snob. Not your classic beauty at all. Not completely right for me, but alot of traits that i admired. Small town girl. Nice face. Cute talker. I think even she may have thought that I was too good for her in a way. I think she didn't want to hurt me. Or maybe she just wasn't attracted to me. But she would just look at me sometimes......You know???

Tiffany- My first real girlfriend. First sexual experience. My first true heartbreak. An enormous learning experience. How come she never came back for me? Where is she? Is she even alive? Did she love me? She apologized to me, and acknowledged that she "fucked up". But maybe she was using me. Who knows. She could've used me alot more, if that's what she was really after. She was just messed up. I hope she at least remembers me.

Amanda--See above

Mei- A girl who I was best friends with for a while, but didn't want more. Oh, and she was a lesbian. Well, bi, but clearly lesbian at that point of her life. She wasn't beautiful. A unique face. Not really beautiful, but cute. A body that reminded me of Tiffany's which is a big reason why I wanted her. Don't know what happened to her. Ended up being a screw up. Not paying back our friend. Hiding. Whatever. I think I needed a replacement for Tiffany at the time. Well not needed, but wanted.

Brandy- A girl that would've dated me, but she got married to a friend of mine, who treated her like shit. They divorced while I was away. Tried to start something with her on a vacation, but I think she wanted something stable, not just a fling, or maybe nothing at all after a bad breakup. I know she thinks of me. I don't know where she is.

A couple others i can't remember. I didn't sleep with, or barely even kiss any of these girls, but I always think deep when I meet a woman. I always picture holding hands and kisses, and marriage, and cuddling and stuff. But alot of them fizzle out after a couple days. There was this one girl that I might have had a chance with, but her friends were trying to "protect" her from me, as if i was some animal or something. I'm so harmless. They'd be like "stay away from the fat guy!". People are morons. People don't realize how much overweight people get discriminated against. I feel like a minority sometimes.

So anyway. I have a point to all this! I'm always obsessing about those 6 years where I had no one, and I always forget, that I've had the best 6 months (more like 7 or 8 now) of my life, and I'm still in it right now. This is the best time of my life. I've got the best girl. Not just that I've ever had, but just the best girl, period. She is just perfect. I don't know why I think about the past at all. But when I do it's not for long. It all comes back to her. It used to come back to depressing times. It would always come back to Tiffany, my first girlfriend. Now Tiffany is like a figment of my imagination. I don't even think about her anymore. It all comes back to good stuff now. It all comes back to Stephanie. And I truly know now, that all those girls missed out on alot, and that's their problem. It's no longer my problem. That's a nice feeling. Time for them to have regrets. Thanks, baby. I don't care "what could've been" because you show me everything that I have now, and you're the one that gives it all to me. I'm so fortunate right now. I don't feel sorry about myself anymore. That's a stupid place to be. Thanks for getting me out of there.

I love you!!

I feel alright-Steve Earle

I feel good, I knew that I would-J.B.

feels so good-311

uh, yeah

oh-that show "ED". It's nice to have a show again, where I can't help myself from yelling "KISS HER!!", when Ed is with that girl. I think I wish I had someone to yell that at me for all those years I didn't kiss anybody. But hey, I've got so many kisses waiting for me now. We've got some catching up to do, love. It's okay. I know you're ready, and I know you've been waiting, too. Goodnight, sweet girl

- premature ejaculation | tantra +