2001-12-12 | TROY BRUNO VON BALTHAZAR

I'm a whimp. I always have been in social situations. And i'm such a procrastinator. I'm not proud of it. I've been trying to change it for years, but it's just who I am sometimes, I guess. I'm uncomfortable in situations when I have to communicate with strangers, or people I know that I don't normally have to communicate to. And when I meet new people I'm extremely nervous, jittery, shy, and awkward, even though most people get along with me once I meet them. If they don't get along with me right away it doesn't matter anyway, because it usually means that we're not meant to be friends or whatever. Anyway, I'm over-explaining again.

The reason I'm pointing out that I'm an extreme whuss, i.e. girlie man, is because I had the opportunity to call Troy Bruno Von Balthazar of the mighty band Chokebore, since Sunday, and I chickened out. I was actually ready to call him earlier tonight, but then my frind Dave called, but I should have gotten it out of the way long before tonight. He leaves tomorrow morning, according to a prior e-mail. I don't know, I really wanted to hang out with him, or at least talk to him on the phone, but this week was a bad week to meet new people anyway. I mean, I should've made an exception for him, but I didn't want to be a downer, especially since his music is as sad as it is, he probably needs more positivity, not negativity. Anyway, I should've called him, and I didn't, and I accept that I am a real weirdo when it comes to meeting people sometimes. I mean I'm nice and I can talk to them once I meet them, but I get extremely nervous beforehand. Some of them actually dig me immediately. Imagine that! I suppose I can get his phone number in California at a later date, but he is on the road alot, and may not want to be bothered when he's in California. I don't know. I should've been having dinner with him or something. Or going around to record stores with him, and giving the staff shit about not carrying any Chokebore records in their stores. He's supposed to be the quiet, shy, recluse guy, I mean that's the stereotypical impression I got from listening to his albums, but he was the one putting forth the effort to hang out with me once he got here. He left me two different phone numbers to call him, and he has no idea if i'm a psycho or what. What a cool guy. I feel bad. I will write him a letter of apology, and hope to see him again down the road. I hope he doesn't think i'm a flake. I'm probably his biggest fan. I relate so much to his songs. I don't like to say biggest fan, but I'm definitely up there. There's probably someone out there who's like overly fanatical about Chokebore, who digs through Troys trash and stuff. I want to be in a band. I want to get famous enough to make a living just being in a band, but I don't think I want to be "trl famous", although, even if I was I would try and refrain from doing TRL as much as I could. I'm really uncomfortable during job interviews and stuff. That's the only thing I worry about as far as if it will mess me up. Like if I had a really important meeting with someone and I was mumbling and had my hand in front of my face, I might ruin my whole life, but usually I just fake it in those situations. Anyways I'm just rambling.

Point!: I should've called Troy at least, and I probably should've hung out with him, too. And I didn't. And I accept that. My apologies to Chokebore fans who would've died for that opportunity, and to Troy himself, who doesn't understand how much or why I admire him.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +