2004-07-04 | EVOL

I was driving home from work tonight and I started singing "Love Song" by the Cure, because I have no stereo in my car, so I have to improvise, and as I'm singing certain lyrics I start to almost tear up. Maybe it's because I had a bad night at work, so I was kind of emotional, but it probably says more about the love I have for Stephanie. It's not like I need to remind myself how much I love her, but sometimes something accidentally does. It makes me glad, but it made me think about how love really does hurt sometimes, even when everything is going fine. Like in my case it makes me think of all I want to do with her and in turn it sometimes frustrates me because I wish I could provide better for her, but her love inspires me more than any negative thought could, so it makes me want to be better, and being loved by her just automatically makes me better, so that helps the process. And you can roll your eyes all you want if you don't understand, because it's not meant for you to understand, because not all of you out there were meant to love to the extent that I was made to. Some people were meant to be alone forever. Some people were meant to just love and not say anything about it. But some people like me can't stop shutting up about it, because the passion we feel about is unrivaled by any other experience that we've been through in life. You're constantly surprised by the perks you receive by doing something that comes so naturally. Loving someone. And even though I love her with all that I have, I'm always trying to improve, because I want her to stay happy, and I want her to believe in me, and I want her to not have to work hard for all of her life. I want us to have all the time in the world to enjoy each other. I already feel like life is easy, but I'm constantly planning to make it more effortless, because the worst thing about spending time with her is that I can't do it enough, and sometimes that's frustrating. Sometimes I think I do have all the time in the world, and sometimes I can't believe how little of it I have, so I guess I have to work better at conserving it, and giving her enough of it. I guess the part of the song that really gets to me is that whenever I'm alone with her I really do feel like I'm home. And when she goes away from me it hurts because I want to go home. She takes a piece of me with her. I guess she takes my heart, like when she goes home and I'm still at work, because there will be a day when we can just lay around for days on end like John and Yoko, and it sucks when those times are few and far between, and knowing how good it will be one day makes these days feel longer/lonelier/shittier/shorter/harder. Whatever. I don't know if all you need is love, but it's all I need, and that's all this entry is about. It's not about telling you what to do with your life, it's just an explanation of what makes me tick. I couldn't talk about myself without mentioning me and her, because it's such a vital part of my life. I spend most of my time with her and I still wish I could spend so much more of it. So unfortunately, if you think I'm cool, but can't stand the relationship talk, you're not going to always love reading this diary, but take some comfort in the fact that I will be, at least most of the time. (we all have our bad days in here) And if you think I would be cooler if I didn't make entries like this more often, then I guess I don't really want to be cool. And I don't really need anybody to tell me how cool or uncool I am. (although I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it when people told me I was cool. Who doesn't like praise?) And if you think love is uncool, all you have to do is think about Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, John and Yoko the dude and dudette from Yo La Tengo, and Mac McGaughan and what's her name, and Dean Wareham and what's her name, and all the other punk rock couples out there, and all the amazing people who's music is driven greatly by love, such as Jeff Buckley. And if Robert Smith can write a love song, it shows that no one has to be ashamed of it. Even if you pretend to be miserable a lot of the time. You can't help but crack a smile sometimes. Isn't it awful?

- premature ejaculation | tantra +