2003-09-17 | ILL

Today was one of those weird days where the main topics in my life seemed so important and intense, that I seriously spent a few seconds searching for them on the AOL welcome screen before I figured out that it was just happening to me and not the rest of the world.

I could give a fuck about a hurricane. I've already been through one anyway. (Hurricaine Iwa, Hawaii 1984, i think..) Plus I've got my own storm brewin', and it ain't quiet either. I could care about J-Lo's broken heart. I've got other things to mend.

Things change so rapidly. It's not fair. Luckily, I'm a strong believer that good things spring from bad times faster than we even know, and sometimes so fast that the pain doesn't even last that long. Once it's all out in the open it starts getting better. And luckily once more, I believe that is also true in this case. She will be o.k. I will be okay. We will be oba-kay-bee.

I found out something I didn't know today. A dark little secret. Maybe not little. Maybe not so dark. A common secret. It's so weird when you find out someone's been hiding something from you. First you're upset because you feel like you don't know them as well as you thought you did, and you feel like they lied to you. But then another part of you rears its ugly head and makes you feel worse than the rest of your body parts combined. And you feel so stupid for not finding out the secret on your own. How could I not know? How could I be so dumb?

My stomach churns.

This is how we learn.

She wonders why I still love her. Maybe that's part of her healing process. Understanding that I love her unconditionally and always will, and to do her best to at least be thankful for that, even when the rest of your world seems to be crumbling before your very eyes, and soon seems to be crushing every bone in your body.

It's those things that keep you moving. That's what works for me. Now I'm in a different position. I have to make her believe what I already know to be true. That our love is all that matters. Because even if all is lost, it really won't be, because that love will always be there.

I'm more hurt right now because she is, than because of what she told me tonight. So it's not necessarily something she did that's hurting me. Not nearly as much as watching her bawl makes me hurt. She thinks that because her hurt makes me hurt that it's her fault. She will learn. She's smart. She's strong. If she can put so much into loving me, she can spread that around to other sections of her life, and start constructing a more durable exterior. Because problems will arise again, but she will be better equipped to handle them, more and more, in each respective future situation.

She will learn. She'll have to. She wants to. She will. She has it in her. She may not even know it, but she feels something from me, pushing her along. Encouraging her. Maybe loving her too tough. Possibly too much. Who knows? But I can only be honest, and tell her what I think, and how I feel, and hope with every thing inside and outside of me, and every thought that I have, that she will make it through okay.

And though I feel nauseous, and I'm kind of sad right now, part of me is sincerely excited, because I can see her evolving into the woman not that I deserve, but that she deserves to be, and that she should be, because it's what I see when I look beyond the bullshit, and go for an imaginary swim in her soul. It's what comforts me. I don't want any more secrets. I just want her to see what I see, so she can find a pathway to it that isn't so cluttered.

I can only lead her so much. She will have to help me. I don't want to her drag her wherever I go. We need to hold each other up, so neither of us fall, even when we feel weak, and hopeless, and discouraged. It's a lot more fun succeeding with someone by your side anyway.

So let's do it already.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +