2003-08-29 | RAMBLEZEZZIONS

Every once in a while when a business calls me, they ask if my "Mommy is home". Instead of correcting them, and telling them that I'm an adult in my own apartment, I just say "uh, no she's not home". When they ask me if my dad is home, I say "no, he's at the ten dollar an hour motel with my mommy." Okay, I don't really say that, but maybe I should.

There's this crazy dishwasher at work. The other day he was wearing a Wisconsin sweat shirt, so as I passed him I yelled "Go Badgers!!", and he ignored me, as he walked by with a psychotic look on his face. I thought how great it must be to be insane, and you can just buy the cheapest clothes you can find, not worrying about fashion, or statements, or anything else. Just whatever fits, or whatevers cheap. Maybe he just likes the state of Wisconsin and hates football. Or maybe he just loves cheese. Nah. I think my "he's completely insane" theory holds up just fine.

These two guys at work have been at each others throats for the last couple weeks. Actually it's funny because one guy hates the other guy with a passion, and shows him to his face, and the other guy only has a slight idea, so I guess only one of them is at the other guys throat. The other day Frankie asked Eric "Hey do you wanna go home early tonight?!" An excited and surprised Eric replied "Sure, yeah!!" Frankie looked right at Eric and said "Too Bad!" It was the most beautifully cruel thing I'd seen that up close and personal in a long time.

People are always telling me how great and essential college is, but 9 out of 10 people I know that go to college are always complaining about it. How stressful it is. How time consuming it is. How much they hate it. Then they look down on me for not going. They tell me how great college is for their future, while complaining about how much it is ruining their present.

When I was a pedestrian I hated drivers and bike riders. When I was a bike rider I hated drivers and pedestrians. Now as a driver, I hate pedestrians, bike riders and all the other drivers.

a few translations:

"Family Restaurant"= Screaming Children
"Fine Dining"= No longhairs, black or fat people allowed
Easter seals donation jar= Help thieves steal money with ease
Lets go drink lots of alcohol= Maybe if I get drunk enough, I'll forget that I don't have a girlfriend, and that my life is miserable, and a beer bottle is kind of shaped like a woman, so maybe I can pretend it is one and that she loves me
When I say "Oh yeah?" I really mean= Please don't continue with the lame ass story
Let's be friends= You're too ugly/fat/stupid/desperate, etc. for me, because I am god's gift to the world

Scapegoats is kind of a bad name for people that take the blame, because if scape is like escape, than the scapegoat is just like a smart human and they escape before they can take the blame, therefore, the term scapegoat should be reserved for the intelligent mother fucker who gets his ass out of dodge before the shit hits the fan.

When I was young and somebody would ask me "Did you see that movie?" and I hadn't, sometimes I would still say "yes", because I was trying to be cool. Now when I say "yes", and I haven't actually seen the movie, I'm doing so because I don't want the idiot to ruin it for me, or sometimes just because I want them to shut up.

True story: Once when I was young I was wiping the dining room table and I couldn't get a streak out, so my dad told me to use some "elbow grease". Not familiar with the term, I proceeded to rub my elbow on the glass.

No one hates the term "Mexican shower" more than Mexicans.

If sleeping were a job, I'd be the Employee of Infiniti.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +