2003-08-04 | HUGGIE BEAR

Whenever I go to my Tutu's (tutu is hawaiian for Grandmother) house on the Big Island, she panics every time I cough or sneeze and makes me go to sleep and take medicine. I wish my grandmother was my boss. I could get sent home early every day.

Living with a girlfriend is so much better than living with a roommate. You don't have to worry about who's bath towel is who's, and who touched what last, and if you can eat that sandwich that's been in the fridge for three days. And you get to have sex. And you don't hate their guts. And you don't plot a way to get out every night. But TV priveliges, on the other hand, will always be a problem. I'm a TV brat. Eventually a 2 tv household might have to be the solution.

If I were a rapper and I had a child, would his first word be "Word?". If I were a pothead rapper would his first word be "Dope?" If I were addicted to marijuana and I had a child, would he be a "Dope kid" as opposed to a crack baby? Would he get confused when I told him to go "potty"? Will Sean Combs ever have a child named "Puff Kiddie"? Calvin Broadus- "Snoop puppy pup"?

I bet you monks hate when they see stupid commercials stereotyping them when they watch television. Oh.....nevermind.

What did the cavemen use to open cans? Oh.....nevermind.

When Halloween comes and you have a stupid neighbor who does way too much decorating, you can blow his mind, and all your other neighbors, by surrounding your house with even more and better decorations. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.

People will spend money on a huge bag of bird seed to go to the park and feed pigeons, instead of buying an extra value meal for the homeless guy sleeping under the awning of a liquor store, with his underwear showing through the holes in his clothes.

Sometimes nice guys don't finish last. Sometimes they don't finish at all. Some of them kill themselves because they're 35 and haven't been kissed yet. Some turn into assholes because they've been scorned by women all their life. Some finish first, but only after finishing last for 25 straight years. (just like me) Thanks for giving me this years blue ribbon, Stephanie. I'd tell you to pass it on and share the wealth, but that would be gross. Then all these other dudes would be asking you what position you'd like tonight.

When you live at home with your parents they get mad when you ask for money, because you don't pay rent, so you should have enough money to get by. So you move away from home, and work hard and pay rent, and when you run out of money you call your mommy, and of course she says "it's no problem" and actually offers you more than you wanted. I love you too, Mom.

If hippies were known to carry firearms, no one would make fun of them. Humans are weak. We only make fun of stuff that we think we're better bigger or stronger than, because for the most part, we're glad that there's diversity, because it makes us look at everybody, which makes your friends forget or not notice how dumb you are.

They should make the linen in hospitals brown or red, so when people bleed or poop, they don't stain.

If I was as funny, smart, slick, or confident as I am in my dreams, then a lot of my other dreams would be fulfilled by now. Either that or I would be a cocky asshole with nothing to show for it, instead of a talented, shy, lazy guy who underachieves.

Being Rob Van Winkle must suck, because he can't go to the store and buy Vanilla Ice cream. He could, but then he'd have to wax those chumps like a candle after they laughed at him.

One of my best talents is opening caps that are closed too tight on jars, mainly pickles or jelly. Another one is reaching for stuff that is too high for other people. Strangers included.

I've been watching Days of Our Lives again.

Every time somebody starts to tell me a joke my body squeezes together nervously, because I'm afraid I won't get the joke and will have to fake laugh. Most of the time I get the joke. Probably 90 percent of the time. But I still have to fake laugh, becuase they're just not funny. Maybe that's whay my body fears. That it will be another stupid joke.

If you're not sure which restroom is yours, look at each figure for 3 straight minutes, and see which one gives you a boner. It will determine which restroom is yours. And maybe even your sexual identity.

It's 2003 and I still know other guys who get all freaked out when they see me hugging a male friend. A lot of them are at work. They give me the "oh my god, he's gay" look, even though most of them are very aware that my girlfriend works in the same building. I don't care that they think it's weird for me to hug another guy. I just can't believe that many people are still homophobic. I just can't believe that many 20 something year old semi-decent guys are still not getting laid. They make me understand it a lot more with their adolescent behavior.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +