2003-06-26 | HUMANS CAN BE OBSTACLES

Okay. I do get discouraged by little things way too easily. I admit it. It may be because I enjoy simple pleasures more than the average person, and when the moment I'm in doesn't seem to have any hint of pleasure in the general area, then I tend to not want to be there anymore. I get happy when my car starts everyday. I don't hate going to work as much as I used to. But certain things happen throughout the day that disenchant me about the workplace and just plain work in general. I love working to make profit for somebody who doesn't give a shit about me. If sucking corporate cock is gay, then call me Liberace, because working for these Fortune 500 companies is, in a way, me giving up. I have enough talent to get out of this. I could some day own my own company. I may not have to. I may have enough talent to start a band that changes the world. Or write a book that warms the hearts of thousands. Or write a screenplay that some big time studio and director will ruin, but will pay for my Spam for the rest of my life.

But as for right now I am unhappy. Not super unhappy. I'm not depressed or anything, but I just hate myself for being stuck with all the regular people. Don't get me wrong, I like normal people, but I'm just not one of them. I'm not better or worse, or whatever, I'm just different. I'm a little more creative, and I seem to have a better understanding of people and the world than they do. But that doesn't make me better. I wish I was more ignorant sometimes. Then I wouldn't care about wanting to better myself. I could be happy flipping burgers at Jack in the Box for the rest of my life, if that were the hand that were dealt to me by the grizzly gambler in the sky. But no. I can't have it like that. I can't work in a normal work place, for a boss who takes himself to seriously, around a bunch of people who hate themselves and everybody else. And among the people who are always happy, no matter how much I want them to join in my misery.

So what I have to do is stop whining to my dear diary about it, and get off my ass and do something about it. Which I intend to do very soon. I'm sorta working on it. It's not like I do nothing. I'm not working dilligently, but I'm not just moping around either. I could try a little harder, and I will when I'm ready. I guess things aren't so bad right now. I have a car that gets me to work and back. (isn't it ironic that we have to pay for gas and insurance and all the other shit that goes along with cars, just so we can drive to work to make the money to pay for all the crap that we don't want, but that we need?) I have a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally, and who is great in the sack. I have a great cd collection. I have a few true, good friends. I have a decent job, I guess, although I don't always feel like I accomplish anything while I'm there. But most of the people there like me and respect me, I hope. I think. I'm pretty sure.

And I know things are only gonna get better. I may not have this much money this pay check around, but in a month from now I'll be in better shape financially. And I'll probably ruin it again by buying more cds, but at least I'll be happy in the moment. The one thing that would really help me out just a little more would be if the people around me believed in my future as much as I do. Whenever I tell people about my writing, and/or musical aspirations, they seem to think that I'm making it up. I just don't get it. It's so odd. It could be that they're jealous, or that they think I'm bragging. I don't know why they would think that, but I think some of them do. I just want them to share in my enthusiasm for life, and I want to tell them that there's more for them out there, too, and that we don't have to be working for some lame ass job for shitty pay for the rest of our lives. But they seem to think that I'm reaching too high, and they think it is I who has the problem. I personally think it's them, because they have truly given up. Just because I'm lazy doesn't mean I have. At least I have a constant collage of visions in my head, rotating by the hour of how beautiful life will be when I am happy on a more regular basis. When I'm doing something for a living that I actually love, and feel like I'm accomplishing something simultaneously.

So don't be mad at me for wanting to reach for the stars.

Wish me luck, because I wish the same for you, and hold the bottom of the ladder for me, because as I climb to the top, it may get wabbly every now and then.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +