2003-05-01 | DAYS OF BEING DUMB

Days off are heaven.

Back to back days off are too good to be true.

Days off where you have to go back at 6 in the morning the next day are heaven and hell.

Back to back days off where I got off at 2pm on my last day of work then don't have to go back until 3 days later at 230pm are a dream come true.

That's where I am today.

Woke up at ten.

Watched the View/Price is Right and baseball.

Went to a Chinese buffet.

Kissed Stephanie goodbye as she went off to work.

Came home and took a nap while watching more baseball. Then I finished off by coming to this computer while listening to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones (Don't Know How to Party) and Ice Cube (Death Certificate).

It was a good day.

Later I will nap some more, eat pizza, and watch some more bad television.

Eat your hearts out, America.

Stephanies birthday is on Cinco de Mayo. Wish her a happy one, gringo.

Time is an inanimate object. Unless you're waiting to get off of work. Or unless you have to work at 6 in the morning and you can't get any sleep.

If I had a dime for every time somebody said "if I had a dime", then I'd be dirty rotten filthy stinkin' rizzach.

This one time at band camp, I kicked the celloists ass. I wasn't actually in band camp. I was having a nice picnic with my family, when the celloist decided it was time to practice. I yelled out "Metallica", but the asshole started playing "Stairway to Heaven". I couldn't let it slide.

A nerd in the band is worth two working for Bush. I don't know what that means either. I just made it up.

I'm creating a game show where the host offers people certain amounts of money to do weird things. On the first episode, we will have two contestants. The first one will be forced to watch the CBS sitcom "Yes Dear", and if they laugh at least once, they will get one million dollars. The second one will be given a shotgun, and will have to interview Avril Lavigne and Creed for a half hour. If he makes it through without killing Avril or Creed, or himself, he will win $500,000 and a year of free therapy. The host of the show will be Geraldo Rivera. The lucky guest who beats his ass, will win the surprise hidden prize of a brand new car. If someone kills him, they win the car, and their own game show to host.

If I was an anti-war protester, I'd say something like this "The army....they kill more by 8am then we kill in a lifetime."

Jeneane Garafalo was on the View this morning. I can't believe I used to love this woman. She is so obnoxious. She is a miserable human being. She needs help. Actually, she probably needs to get laid. She can't even enjoy herself on a show anymore, because she's so opinionated, and so out of touch with.....everything. So she just sits there and makes stupid faces the whole time. So WHY THE FUCK DID YOU AGREE TO DO THE SHOW JENEANE? You're a fucking hipocrite. Don't agree to do the show then when you get on act like you'd rather be run over by a tank driven by 40 sumo wrestlers, then be on there. As I was watching the show I was thinking "maybe this is what those idiots mean when they say 'Kill your television'".

The lovely Prime Time Glick finally returned to Comedy Central last night. It was so great. Martin Short does an incredible impression of Larry David. Curb Your Enthusiasm is a great show. Larry David is my favorite celebrity of all time who I actually find to be almost completely repulsive. He's just such a comedic genius, and I appreciate his sarcasm and cynicism at certain times. But he seems to be another miserable human being. And remember....I LIKE this guy!

All the stoners have their own time of day. 4:20. (I happen to think the whole "420"; "4:20"; "4/20" thing is gay, but that's just my opinion.) But how do you think the devil feels? He has no "6:66". And you wonder why he's so disgruntled. Wait until June 6th, 2006, suckas. Our asses are his.

Which form of safe sex is safer? Masturabation or abstinence? I say abstinence. Masturbation is physically not as safe, because your penis is exposed. Something could conceivably happen. But the reason abstinence is more dangerous as a whole, is because it drives you crazy. You have all that testosterone and other stuff inside of you, and you can't let it out. It's enough to turn you into Charles Bundy von Gacy. So if you're abstaining from sex, please make sure you masturbate. But make sure nobody is home. Because getting caught can scar you as bad as being scorned by women.

I've never seen my girlfriends house, and I live about 20 minutes away. It's not my choice. That's just the way it is. It's not really her choice either...but....nevermind. It's hard to explain. It's just strange that I haven't seen my girlfriends house.

Wrestling is kind of real. The outcomes are fixed, but a lot of the action is real. They are fine athletes. Ask Sid Vicious. Approximately 2 years ago, as he landed on the mat after jumping off the top rope, I watched as his foot went from north to south in a matter of seconds. I almost lost my breakfast lunch and dinner....from the previous 3 months. But I felt the need to watch his foot do a 180 over and over again as they showed it on replay. Gross.

Today I was at the Chinese buffet, and some lady was wearing a bandage over her hand, and I caught glimpse of her thumb area, and it appeared that her thumb was missing. But there sure was a lovely blood spot leaking through her bandage. This is right near the food. I still ate after that. I guess I'm good at blocking out images like that. I hope you are, too.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +