2002-11-03 | everything is wrong

"life sucks, scum fuck"

You know things are going bad when G.G. Allin lyrics start sounding poignant.

This is one of the worst nights of my life.

Everything sucks right now.

The only thing good right now is that I still have somebody love, and she still loves me (i think). But the complications surrounding our love (don't ask me why being in love with somebody should have complicatons, but this one does) are at an all time worst right now, and I feel like dying.

Nothing is funny right now.

Nothing makes sense right now.

Nothing is interesting.

Nothing is exciting.

Right now everything is wrong.

I know in a couple days everything will be better.

I know i'll be laughing at Conan O'Brien in a few days.

I know Stephanie will be whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

I know I'll have a good day again soon.

But right now, everything feels horrible.

I never thought loving someone would be so hard.

It's also the easiest thing i've ever experienced. Loving her came so naturally. But the fact that her parents think that me being in her life is detrimental, hurts me so fucking much.

And the fact that she bases a lot of her decisions on things that she supposedly doesn't agree with either, breaks my heart.

This is the "big problem".

I want to move to a town that my girlfriend lives in.

AND LIVE IN MY OWN APARTMENT!!/That's the big controversy, folks. Aren't I such a rebel? Take me away, mr. policeman.

At first it was supposed to be August.

I waited.

I agreed (i thought we agreed, but apparently I DEMANDED!!) on November instead.

Then it was, oh, and you can't live in the same house as me before we're married, because my parents don't believe in it.

I accepted it.

I said, o.k., i'll move into my own place until we get married.

But that wasn't enough.

Now just the mention of me brings horror to the life of my girlfriends family.

And when I say everything about this is bullshit, I look like even more of an enemy.

I made all the sacrifices.

I just want her to make one.

And i'm still the enemy.

Her parents have never met me.

Her mom's initial dismay pertaning to me, was my lack of a college education.

Taking care of somebody for life is a hell of a lot more then just having a lot of money, and a college degree. Some people don't understand what true love is all about, I guess.

I'm tortured with the knowledge of exactly what it's all about it.

And i feel guilty for having it everyday.

Because people make me feel like an outcast for having these feelings.

For loving another human being.

I have so much to say, but a lot of it is a blur right now. This is so fucking weird.

I'm sorry Stephanie.

I really am.

You know I didn't want anything like that to happen.

But I'm tired of excuses for not being able to be with you.

I know this excuse is something bigger.

But I'm not hurting any less about not being with you.

I feel sick.

I feel dead.

I know everything will be better in a couple days.

I know she still loves me.

I know we'll be together forever.

But right now, I feel like the emptiest human being on the planet.

I'm tired of being sad about something that surrounds the happiest thing in my life.

I've been so excited about everything.

About my real life finally starting.

Everything was coming up roses.

Now I feel like dirt.

The more they turn their noses.

The more i'm filled with hurt.

This is the cruelest test ever given to someone.

I love her so much.

That's why I plan on passing it with flying colors.

No matter how hard i have to focus.

My head is going to feel like it's ready to explode when the exam is over.

But it won't matter.

Because she'll be there to rub my head until it feels better.

She'll take care of me.

We'll take care of each other.

I'm not even religious.

But every night I pray that she lets me be with her.

I don't even know who I'm praying to.

I just pray.

I pray that all the pain in her life will disappear.

And I beg for her to let me start being there everyday for the rest of OUR lives.

I thought it couldn't get much worse.

Tonight it did.

I know, i know.....it'll be fine.

But right now, my pain is making me blind.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +