2002-03-22 | I WOULD SING THE REQUIEM

okay, okay. i'm a sensitive artist sometimes. tease me if you must. and don't get the wrong idea from this thingy. i'm not at all religious. i feel somewhat spiritual at times, but i've done too many stupid things, and ignored any form of religion or church, or anything holy for so long to consider myself anything. i'm probably closer to the whole Agnostic way of thinking. The whole concept of it is just too much for me to try and begin to understand, and there's so much contradiction in alot of it. I can listen to what everybody has to say. Hey, I like MXPX. But i also like death metal.

anyway, this is something i wrote when my dad was living his final days in the hospital, succumbing to the evil lung cancer. I've done my share of cigarette smoking, but if you want to live past 50, don't fucking smoke. Seriously. Simple as that. I was debating whether to go back to Hawaii (i was living in Oregon at the time) and see him before he died. I really didn't know what to do. I didn't have much money or anything, and I guess I was afraid to see his condition or whatever. He couldn't even talk by the time I finally went down. He died 3 days after I got home.

o lord, i know it's not often i pray to you

i know it's not often i even confide

but this time it's in desparation, i say to you-

i have nothing more inside me to hide

consider me a fairweather friend if you must

but the situation is getting hectic

all i am asking is for a dose of hope and trust

although i've heard things that have made me quite a skeptic

help him through and i'll spread the gospel

get him through and i'll repent my sins

the worse he gets, the more i feel hostile

if you want to, i'll even switch places with him

should i go or should i stay here in hell?

do i belong there? I wish I knew the answer

indecision makes it so hard to tell

why is it that he must lose, and not the cancer?

consider me a fairweather friend if you want to

all i know is i will pray for him tonight

there's a time that you must conquer the things that haunt you

if you can give him the strength to live on, i'll forever live a life that is right

----that line "do i belong there" refers to me feeling guilty for only being there for him when he was ready to die, and not being there throughout his sickness. i remember my head just spinning for a couple days, and really not knowing what to do. i'm glad i went back though. it helped alot in the whole closure process. i got over it pretty easy. too easy. i feel guilty about that too. but he accepted his disease, and he was a realist, and i guess i am too.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +