2002-01-06 | MAN IN A SUITCASE

i still can't believe somebody loves me. It's all new again. There's somebody that thinks I'm the greatest guy in the world. That's just amazing. Somebody that wants to kiss me all the time, and thinks i'm sexy and smart, and cute and stuff. That is so awesome. It's so surreal. Every morning when I wake up, I still can't believe I have a girlfriend. I was really getting tired of being lonely and seeing other couples and stuff. Well, I still get sad when I see other couples and stuff, but it's not as bad now, because I know I have her forever, and I'll be with her again soon. I don't feel like I'm waiting forever now.

So in April of last year I started drifting into other chat rooms, because I was growing tiresome of the snobs in the music chat rooms. Fucking wankers. One I started frequenting for a few minutes daily, was "Authors". I met a girl in there from Philadelphia who seemed to kind of fancy me, so I kept going back. She had a group of friends from that room that had been published and stuff, so I was thinking she could help me in that aspect, too. One evening she told me about a girl from Hawaii who often frequented that chat room. So I remembered her screen name and happened to see her in there one night.

When I saw her name pop up, i said hey "????????", i'm from Hawaii! She said "oh" and we talked for a few minutes, until a lovely girl i had never seen in there before said "i'm going to Hawaii in a couple of weeks". I immediately instant messaged her, and was from the very beginning trying to arrange to meet her when she came to town. From the very beginning there was something special about her, and something told me to just stick with her. She seemed to be kind of open to meeting me when she came down, but she kept leaving abruptly every night, and she would say "lol" or "ha ha" anytime i asked any kind of question that had to do with relationships or romance or anything. Anyway, she said she would instant message me before she came down so she could get my phone number and stuff. She never did. And the days that I knew she would be in town passed. I thought I had seen the last of STEPHANIE without actually "seeing" her at all.

A few days after she returned home she instant messaged me, or I instant messaged her. I forget. She said she got busy while she was here, and she was sorry, or whatever. Anyway, we kept talking on-line, pretty much everyday up until even present time, and after just a couple weeks I was starting to feel like I was in love with her. This was very scary, and strange to me. To fall in love with someones typing. I had heard of this kind of thing before, and kind of thought it was stupid, and that it could never work, and I would laugh at people who said they had met someone on line. I couldn't have been more wrong about the whole thing.

You see, when you meet somebody on here, you talk more then you would ever talk to someone who you had just met in person. And you get deeper then you normally would. You can be more brave then you are in real life. In real life I usually whimper around women. I don't know what to say when I see someone I'm interested in. On here, you have nothing to lose. I don't know it's so hard to explain why it works. With her and I just did. Sounds cliche but it seems like total destiny. Theres so many odd similarities we have. You wouldn't believe how many times we've said the same thing at the exact same time. And not just every day normal things. Things you haven't thought about for years. If you don't understand, maybe you never will. It's the kind of thing that has to happen to you, for you to totally understand it.

So, after a few weeks of on-line talking we decided to try it on the phone. We were both very nervous. She sounded so sweet. I was already falling so hard for her. She was such an interesting person. She was a couple years older then me, so she had already done so many things that I would like to do in life. She had accomplished so many things. I was proud to know her. And somewhat intimidated. But she always made me feel at home. So after a couple of phone conversations, I knew I was in love with this beautiful woman. One night in an instant message I told her that I felt like this could be love, and she said something like "no, don't say that, i can't handle that right now". What I meant to tell her was that I was already madly in love with her. Big time. I thought, like most times in my life, that I had said too much, or that I would have to wait a little longer, but later in the instant message she surprised me with "I love you". I was shocked. I was so happy. My heart started beating fast. My head was buzzing with love, and wonder, and fear, and confusion, but only the good kinds of those last two, the type you get when you first second guess yourself when something amazing happens in your life. Later that night we talked on the phone and told each other "I love you". It sounded so nice.

So to make a long story, um, not as long, we talked on the phone, pretty much everyday for the next few months, and eventually we decided on a trip. We would meet each other in Vegas in early December. I was so excited and so nervous for so many months leading up to it. When it got to be like a couple days before I was pretty nervous, but not as much as I would be. The night before was weird. I was just hoping it would work, playing different scenarios in my head. Wondering what would happen if she didn't find me attractive. But I was okay. I knew she loved me. The day of our first meeting, on the plane I was kind of nervous. I was trying to stay clean when eating the airplane food. Making sure I didn't spill any on myself. I was starting to get a little sick. That was annoying. I think I went to the bathroom a 3/4 thru the flight to blow my nose, wash my face, and look in the mirror and to say to myself "this is it.." I sat down for the rest of the flight, anxious, and tired of being on the plane. I always get a little naseous on planes. The landing was horrible, but after 20 minutes of being on the ground I was okay. Then the nerves started in a little bit. I was kind of blank faced, and I wasn't really breathing. I couldn't believe I was almost going to see her.

I had hotel reservations waiting for us, so all I had to do was ride the shuttle bus to the airport, check in, and go up to the room. We had agreed to meet in the bar that was nearest to the lobby of the hotel, and if I didn't find her there I would call her cell phone. I knew what she was wearing, so I would look for that in the bar, and I knew what she looked like, as well.

As I walked into the hotel it was like slow motion. Right as I walked in, something told me to look in the lobby, and I didn't even have to turn my head. She was sitting right there on the couch in the lobby, approximately 10 feet away from the front desk I was checking in at. She was so fucking beautiful. She was wearing a plaid skirt with black tights and tall black boots, and a black sweater, and she looked just so fucking precious.

Immediately, I thought I was in over my head. That was seriously my first thought. I'm thinking, "oh man, she is way to hot for me". I thought she looked up and saw me, so I looked away and just kept looking straight at the hotel staff. My heart was beating so fast. I could practically hear it. I was starting to shake, and I could barely speak. I checked in, and got my key, and dragged myself over to her, heart vibrating madly, palms sweating profusely, head spinning, breath ceasing. I didn't know what to say, so I just walked up to her, and stood over her for a minute. She hadn't seen me earlier, when I thought she did.

After I stood over her for a couple minutes she looked up with her beautiful eyes and smiled at me and said "hi". I said "hi". We hugged. She could tell I was nervous. She said something like "i love you, don't be scared". I felt almost like crying. From half joy, and half amazement, and fear, and just all the emotion leading up to our first moment. I was really numb. Didn't know what to say. I was practically walking into walls. She had to ask the staff where our room was, even though the guy had just told me 2 minutes ago. We walked up to our hotel room.

When we got to the room, after putting our little belongings down, we began to kiss. It was a kiss I needed badly. One I had been waiting for, for so long. It put me at ease, too. For the next hour or so, we just laid on the bed and touched each other and kissed, and sighed. Her stomach was growling. I was waiting for my luggage to come to the room. She wanted to eat badly. I was probably hungry, but I couldn't tell. I was still slightly nervous.

As we got more used to each other, we touched more, and kissed more, and at one point it was getting very passionate, and steamy, and all that good stuff, as a knock came on the door. I jumped up in shock as if I was at home and my mom had knocked on the door. I opened up and my luggage had arrived.

Stephanie was very hungry so we went to dinner at a very cheesy chinese place in some casino. It was fine. I was still blown away, so dinner was like not even there to me. It was so fucking surreal. Some of it still is. Anyways after a few hours I wasn't nervous anymore.

But I still can't believe how well things are going. I still can't believe someone loves me like she does.

I just wanted to tell somebody what it was like to meet her for the first time in person. I always knew there was something special about her. I was so right. She's a thousand times better then I even thought she was before I met her. We're apart again for right now. But we'll be together soon. I miss everything about her. I just miss being with her. I miss her smile and her kisses alot. It' hard being away from her, but it's so easy to love her. Can't wait to meet her all over again. I don't think I'll be nervous this time.

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