2001-07-14 | *CAN'T HARDLY WAIT*

"i'll come and visit, maybe never go"

i have visions all the time. for me it's like going over, almost auditioning in my head for the real thing. i know when i meet Stephanie it's going to be "Absolutely Fabulous". i had to throw that one in for her. when we meet, we might actually meet in Las Vegas. I used to live in Las Vegas. I had a good time when i lived there. I really liked it. But i had a girlfriend back then, too...and that makes life alot more bearable. so if I meet her in Las Vegas, i'm not sure if the whole airport fantasy will be able to happen. i will be flying there, but i assume she'll be driving. i guess if she got there before me then she could meet me at the airport. i would just hug her and squeeze her so tight, like mama on "What's Happenin'" used to do to Roger (aka 'Rog') and Dee. then maybe i'd cry a little and i'd definitely kiss her very passionately, totally impervious to who is around, or what else is going on. then i'd tell her i loved her and missed her. and just keep sighing and kissing and smiling big ol' smiles. i'll be extremely nervous, but oh so happy. then we may go straight to the hotel...and you know. i'll feel really good after spending a few days or a week with her, but it will be so hard to come back to Hawaii and be without her for the next few months or however long it takes her to want me to move in her vicinity. i will have to work work work to try and focus on other stuff when i'm not with her, like i do now. 'cos if i sit down and think about it, i end up staring into space and not being able to function. i hate my present job, though. i could probably work at Tower Records or somewhere else, but i don't want to let my mom down when i quit my more professional type of job, although i am extremely underpaid for the amount of work that i do. i can't wait for the day that i live with her and can see her everyday...forever. when i can sleep so comfortably and peacefully next to her. when i can kiss her when she wakes up. when i can ask her how her day was and give her a massage. when i can have little mini-arguments with her, and then kiss and makeup and make sweet love again. when we can laugh and cry hysterically with each other. when i can calm her down in the middle of the night when she has a nightmare. i want us to be happy with each other and always know we made the right decision, and be proud of each other, and be able to tease each other, and listen to great and cheesy music and watch great and cheesy movies with each other. "Can't Hardly Wait" (replacements). i want to show her all the things that make me happy. and i want to learn everything about her, too. i want to watch mr. show and tenacious d. with her. and watch conan every night with her in bed. play all my chokebore albums for her and all the other music she hasn't heard, like built to spill and modest mouse, stuff like that. i can't wait to compare what cds we have in common. cds that i own that she happens to own too. i can't wait to do great stuff and stupid stuff with her. i can't wait to show her and tell her in person that i love her. i can't wait to hear the way she says my name in person. i can't wait to hear how she breathes and how beautiful she looks when she sleeps. i can't wait to watch her all night and not be able to sleep because i'm so amazed by her. i want to share my obsession with Andy Kaufman with her. I love that guy. if i could meet someone dead or alive, he would definitely be in the top 10. i would've loved to let him now that he was understood extremely well by certain people. i would've watched him read "the Great Gatsby" and i would've enjoyed him. i would've loved just to be in his company. i want to have one of those 3 o' clock sessions with Stephanie where you reveal your secrets and tell each other things that you've never told anyone and things that you've forgotten for years. i want to show her my yearbooks. i want to sing for her. i want to look her in the eyes while i'm sitting there with my guitar singing a song about her. written for her. inspired by her. Just like this.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +