2001-07-08 | "ALL APOLOGIES"

this is not meant to hurt anybodies feelings or to make me look cool, or to make excuses or anything. i just owe some explanation to the love of my life and to a friend that i may have over stepped boundaries with. flirting can be harmless, but in this case i feel really guilty. i have never done anything like this before. i am so the monogamous type it's not even funny. this is my pathetic confessional letter-song. my heart strayed a bit on certain days, but i never loved stephanie any less. i just let someone borrow a bit of it. i feel so bad. i never had any physical contact with anyone and i never would, but i still feel guilty. i was a bad boyfriend. but as a whole all of my intentions were good and they always are. it's been hard not having any body for 6 years, and not even being close to having someone, then all of a sudden someone gives a shit about you, then someone else comes along and they give a shit, too. and i always had stephanies feelings on my mind. if she had given someone attention the way i had given jennifer, i would be upset. very upset. distraught. heartbroken. so i should of thought about her feelings more. i am an asshole. i will forever be in debt to stephanie. there is still so much more to say... it's hard to resist temptation. everything will be the way you thought it would be when we're together. things will all make sense then. i hope you know that. and you know how in love with you i am. stephanie. i need to be with you...i'm so very sorry. i have no excuses. i will accept whatever reaction you have. i just beg you to still love me the same. i still love you more with every breath i take. second by second, i want you, need you, and love you more. please, accept me again. have me in your heart. "ALL APOLOGIES"

"Letter"

dear, jennifer..i'm sorry if i forced you to have some sort of feelings for me. if I told you what you wanted or needed to hear--it was strictly coincidence. It's just the way I am I guess. I guess I can be romantic, even when it's not the right time. I guess love can be frantic, when you're in love with someone at the same time. I'm so sorry, jennifer. I want you to have what you and everybody who's good deserves. If he doesn't treat you perfectly, then he's got some nerve. For both of your sakes, I hope he's good. 'Cos he's lucky to have you. And I want you to have the love you always thought you would. I met you for a reason, I'm still not sure why. I hope I pass this test, 'cos I don't want anybody to cry. Stephanie knows I love her, I momentarily fucked up. I'm so used to meeting women who are cold and stuck up. Temptation is a killer, all this will go away. When I meet Stephanie somewhere, on some other fateful day. I've been a bad boyfriend, I hope she loves me the same. I never thought it'd come to this, I only signed up for one game (flame). It's not fair...I never had the chance to have my fun. Dear Stephanie, don't doubt me, you know you're the only one. I just forget how good you are when I'm all alone. I can't wait for the day, I'll no longer have to catch you on the phone. I'll have no one to call, 'cos i'll be with the only one that matters. If being happy makes you put on weight, i hope we both get fatter. I'm sorry Jennifer, I've gone astray, this letter is for both of you. I apologize to you both for being so confused. I never did anything I shouldn't have done....except hide some thoughts from my only one. Stephanie, it's true, I had my doubts about me and you. But it's only my fear that history will repeat itself with you. For awhile I thought I'd need "backup", in case this got out of hand. I guess I needed to hear that I'd forever be in your plans. It wasn't you my dear, it was me not being smart. All I had to do all this time, was listen to my heart. I've been unfair to both of you, I hope you both forgive me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the strength you give me. Maybe I needed a "second opinion"..but I shouldn't care about my critics. The way I behaved to both of you makes me feel parasitic. I will understand it if I can't be trusted by you. But I wanted to prove I can, by writing this, I thought I'd run it by you. Jennifer is unique and sweet, don't be jealous of her. I'm the one who's jealous, for not being your past and present lover. You know if I was with you, I would never be a threat. If I had to gamble on you and me, I'd make infinite big time bets. I didn't cheat on you, but I still cheated you bad. I love you so much sometimes, the distance drives me mad. Be mad at me please, and let me earn your trust. Being happy with you forever is important, it's a must. I may forget Jennifer, I hope I don't and I hope I do...but I know I'll never forget Stephanie no matter what I do. She's always been there for me-even before we met-all those years. You both came along too late, I was lonely for 6 years. I don't have a choice, because it was made long ago. when I told Stephanie I loved her and I'd never let her go. I don't have the blues, I just regret that I hurt anybody. If I had to choose, you know I have-for you, my only somebody. Stephanie, I'm glad I met you before I had my fun. 'Cos I want to experience it all with you, and forever live as one. Jennifere I'm glad I met you, you gave me an epiphany. You made me realize how lucky I am to have Stephanie. And how devoted I am to loving her adn her only-in this way. I love you too but not in that "uber" sort of way......SORRY.

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