2001-06-05 | this one goes out to the one i love

hello diary. my focus tonight is not you, but the one i love. she brings out the best in me. i feel so loved. i feel pride. i feel........myself? no, really, i love her and its just great. shes so incredible. you'd like her. shes nice and funny and smart and special in all kinds of ways. oh diary you get so jealous sometimes. let me break it down for you.

i know there are moments in the middle of the night where we both happen to wake up at the exact same time and we both sit there and sigh because the other is not there, and shes on the right side of her bed and i'm on the left side of mine, and we both put our hands where the other would be at that moment and fall asleep knowing we're loved and so happy, but still oh so sad. that happens to the both of us, i'm sure, multiple times every evening.

I wish I had a larger vocabulary so I could tell her in different ways how much i love her. i try and describe it but i hate to repeat myself. it's really important to me that she knows how much i adore her. i think she knows, though, for the most part. what sucks more then anything like that is obvious for people that know the situation. i can't show her anything in person. i can't touch her. i can't kiss her. i can't hold her when shes sad, has had a bad dream or just needs to be held just for the hell of it. i can't run my hands through her hair til she falls asleep in my arms. i can't look her in the eye and tell her i love her and how she's changed me and rocked my universe. i can't see her smile when i tell her something that shes never heard before. or how my face lights up when she tells me she loves me. i can't make love to her. i can't hold her hand. i can't laugh with her over the stupidest thing on tv. i can't wake up in her arms. i can't kiss her good morning, goodbye or goodnight. i can't rub her feet or her back or her shoulders. or kiss them. but i will. MARK MY WORDS! i must. my life depends on it. and maybe hers, too. for those who don't know why i can't do these things it's simple. she lives in Arizona and i live in Hawaii. Not only can I not do these things, I never have. you evil skeptics will love this: I met her on the COMPUTER!!! thats right! and i'm happier then i've been in 6 years. which also happens to be our age difference. shes 6 years older. OH NO! ANOTHER REASON IT SHOULDN'T WORK!! but it will. BELIEVE ME. don't judge. every situation is different. and this one is beautiful. i love her with all my heart and thats why it will work. there are so many reasons you could come up with for why it wouldn't or why it shouldn't work. and many people try to give me reasons. those people don't know me very well, or anybody, really, for that matter. most of these people have not been in love on ANY level. the reasons why we love each other out number all the other B.S. by so much it's not even funny. she seriously may be "THE ONE". thats how strongly i feel. most of my close friends are really supportive and for that i love and thank them. unfortunately, it's human nature to listen to people we don't care about, too. especially when you have such a big heart. it's hard not to listen to anybody. i hate those people though. how dare them doubt my love, my heart, my girl. i love her so much it hurts. i almost cry myself to sleep every night. i have to not focus on it too much during the day or it will completely consume me and i will not be able to function. but i am determined to see her and be with her and love her. i am commited.

god, i love you stephanie

forever, yours, jon

DIARY: "she sounds, great, jon. congratulations!"

- premature ejaculation | tantra +