2001-12-08 | THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE

So here I am. I'm so scared. I'm so alone. Yet I've never been happier at the same time. And nothing has ever made so much sense, even with alot of the things in my life sucking beyond belief. I've seen Stephanie in person, and fallen in love with her all over again. And then got my heart broken when we had to return to our respective states, which we both seem to kind of hate right now. I miss her so much. I miss you Stephanie. I love you so much. This hurts so bad. I've never been so happy, and so crushed in the span of a week. But i'm so thankful to have her. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I know this entry will be filled with cheesy cliches, but i don't care. I love her, and that's all there is to it. The thing that's great about being in love with her, is that i don't have to worry about being cliche. I just say and do what comes to mind. It all just comes naturally. We're so connected. Our bond is so hard to explain. We're just so much closer now that we've met in person. When I first saw her, I was just blown away. She was so beautiful. I'll never forget the way she looked over there. She looked like an angel. She was so fucking beautiful. My first feeling was intimidation. I was so nervous before that. I had a butterfly farm in my stomach. Then when I saw her, I was just thinking that she's too beautiful for me. I'm in over my head. She's not going to love me. She was wearing this great plaid skirt with black tights, and a black sweater. She was sitting in the lobby of the hotel I was currently checking in to. After I checked in I walked over to her shaking. I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of stood over her for a few seconds hoping she would notice me. She looked up at me with her beautiful eyes, and I said "hi". She said "hi" as well, as she stood up. The only thing I could do was hug her. She said something like "don't be nervous, baby.....I love you" I was nervous for the next 15 minutes or so as we went up to the hotel room. I was nervous 'til we finally kissed, and still a little shy after that. Her eyes are just so loving and beautiful. She has the most perfect blue gray eyes, and beautiful eye lashes too. She doesn't need any makeup, but she looks beautiful with it, too. She has the greatest smile. When she smiles at me I just melt. Her lips are so soft and sweet. Her lips always tasted so good. She smelled great too, even when she wasn't wearing any cute girlie body stuff. She was just perfect. I knew everything would be fine, in the back of my mind, but she exceeded all my expectations ten-million fold. I was so comfortable with her. I didn't feel fat or self conscious. When I ate around her, I didn't just order a salad, like I used to do with girls....I just ate like normal, and I didn't feel self conscious about my eating habits, as far as was I eating messy, or like a pig, or whatever. She just put me at so much ease. By the end of our first night together, it felt like we'd been together forever, and I knew that we would be from that point on. She has a beautiful body, and she's so smart, and sweet and easy to talk to. She's so pretty. And she has such a gorgeous soul. She's so good to me. She never judges me, or looks at me weird. When I do something unconventional, she takes it as it is, and thinks i'm cute, and sometimes even adorable. I think she is the cutest, and most adorable of all time as well. Laugh or vomit in disgust if you must. What we have is so good, it can't even be put in words. It just feels so nice. We didn't really sleep that well with each other in the same bed, but we liked touching each other so much in bed, so that may have been part of the distraction. I love the way she breathes and the way she sleeps. I can't remember, I think it was the first night, she fell asleep so early for a little while, and I just watched her in amazement. I think it takes alot of trust to just fall asleep early in the night with someone who you've just met. And she looked so peaceful. She rubbed my back and my stomach and chest alot, and every time she did that I slept so peacefully. I owe her so many back rubs. I wish she would've slept better on the trip. I'm so glad she likes me. That she's happy with me. I feel so much better about myself. I'm so in love. I cried like a baby yesterday. It was our last day together for now. She started crying the day before, (thursday, i think) and it just killed me. I felt like an asshole, because I felt like crying, but I couldn't. Then yesterday, as I was getting ready to catch the shuttle bus to the airport in the hotel lobby, I lost it. I just couldn't handle living another second without her by my side. I don't want to go back to my everyday bullshit life and bullshit job. I just want to be with Stephanie. I need her so much. I feel so clingy and needy. I'm such a baby. I don't care. I just love her. I'm going to marry her. She's where my heart is. She's my family. She's my life. She gave me love, hope, happiness and life. She gives me so much. I can't even list it all. Every second she gives me more. I just hope i give her the same. Her happiness means more to me then anything in this world. I miss having trouble sleeping next to you. I miss waking you up with my snoring. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your crying. I miss waking up with you. I miss going to breakfast with you. I miss going to dinner with you. I miss asking strangers to take our picture. I miss watching you sleep. I miss hearing you breathe. I miss watching you watch the tv. I miss laying around with you before we go out. I miss being a lazy ass on the bed, while you're doing all the planning for the day. I miss being a whimp, and making you ask everybody the questions. I miss lying in the back of the tour bus with you. I miss your lips. I miss your hands. I miss your fingertips. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I'll always need you around. I feel so lost without you here. This isn't meant to make you cry. It's more so I can stop crying. I just want things to stay the way they were last week. The best week of my life. I'll love you forever

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