2004-09-15 | RAW LIKE SUSHI

The thing that gets me down a lot is that sometimes it feels like there is nothing to say, because there is too much to say. If that doesn't make sense, I will do my best to explain myself.

And another thing is that you very rarely get the feedback you're looking for. Sometimes you don't get it at all. So much of what I want to say goes unheard. Or if it does get heard, it doesn't get any feedback. And sometimes it doesn't really deserve any. Some times it's crap. But other times I work hard in putting something together, and I'm so proud of it, and I truly believe that it's professional quality work, and I don't hear anything from it. Sometimes I'd even rather get negative feedback than none at all. The silence can be deafening. It seems even more so on the internet. A blank page can be the loudest thing in the world. It feels kind of like writers block. I guess you could call it readers block.

I wish I knew who read what. I wish I knew which things were never read at all, so I could try and resubmit them later. I wish I knew which people really enjoyed what I wrote but didn't know what to say, because they rarely reply to things.

I don't know what I can do to get more people to read this page. I don't even know if that's what I want. I mean that's not my goal in life, but as of now, it's the place where most of my stuff is attainable for anybody who wants to look at it. It seems like there's no word of mouth. But I see it on other pages, too. I find pages by people like me who should probably be getting paid to write go unnoticed, even after I tell ten people to check it out and tell ten other people. People don't even have time to read nowadays.

It's so easy to write. I'll read an entry on someone elses site, and get inspired immediately, and I'll write a decent entry. But I don't read enough either. And usually when I'm reading something I get distracted by inspiration, because after a few minutes I just feel like writing my own shit.

I don't even know what I'm saying right now. And I don't know who is reading it. But it has to be said, even if it's to nobody. It's my way of venting. There is nothing to say because there's so much to say. I want to write more screenplays, but I'm afraid of not getting the structure right. I'm not even sure if the one screenplay I have completed is correct, but I truly believe it's a good screenplay. I wouldn't have finished writing it if I didn't believe in it. I would start all over again. I wish I could find all the writings I've thrown away over the years, but the bottom line is I still have lots of great writings around, even after all the re-writes, and throwaways.

I want people to hear my songs, but I'm intimidated by learning to play guitar, and everytime I buy a guitar it gets stolen. (2 for 2 so far) And I somewhat fear finding a band. Guys I can get along with. Then I think I could just record something myself in the living room, which would be fine with me, but I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. But it excites me to be raw. I want to rap and rock. Not like Aerosmith and Run DMC. I want to release a double cd, where one side has my Nirvana/Sublime/Chokebore etc. influence and the other disc showcases my Anticon/Kool Keith/Galapagos etc. influence. I want to do something unprescedented, but I want it to be good, too. I'm afraid of it not being quality work. But I'm pretty sure it would be. My confidence can only take me so far. The right people have to hear it or see it, and I'm trying to find those people.

I don't know where to showcase my talent. I want to join Trigger Sheet, but I fear that everyone there will already be too far advanced. I want to write screenplays, but I don't know who I want to show them to. I can write all day, but I don't know where to start with my submissions. I bought the Writers Market twice, and I have never sent out any queries. I'm worried about manuscripts. I need to buy the current Writers Market book and motherfucking do something about it.

I'm worried about being lazy forever. If I never sell an album or a book or a screenplay I'll be fine. I have love. But I don't wanna be just fine forever. It would be nice to have fans, and respect, and some financial freedom. I'm tired of talking about it, but I don't know what else to do. I know everything will work itself out, but I know I have to help out. I know it will all be fine. I'm not really down. Whenever I go off on tangents like this I get inspired and excited, and it makes me want to write more, which is always good, because it will be read someday. It doesn't have to be read tomorrow. You may hear it someday on the radio, or on your cd player. You may watch the movie based on my screenplay some day. Or you might just read my diary forever.

The possibilities are endless, and the future is wide open, and that's one of the things I love about life, even though it can be frustrating, too. Isn't it exciting to think about that what small writing I'm doing on here could lead to something huge? I want to make my mark. I don't want to be famous. I just want to be appreciated. I want to get my due. I don't want to have to dodge papparazzi forever, but I will if I have to, and I will try not to be one of those celebrities who whines all the time about how tough it is being us. But hopefully I never get that famous. I'd like to make some money. I'd love it. But I want to be able to hang out in public at least sometimes.

I love listening to this Drive By Truckers cd, but I'd rather be playing a show with them.

But anyway, I'm ranting, and nothing's coming of it.

Yet.

Stay Tuned like John Ritter.

- premature ejaculation | tantra +